Too Sad to be Sad

 

Dear  Sadness,

I decided to write you a letter this time.  You know,  the old-fashioned way, with pen and paper. I don’t know how to mail you. Maybe you can get this letter through some emotional power. Maybe you never get it. But sadness inside me is not making me comfortable from many days. In fact, from some years. I thought I should address you.

Maybe the first time you meet someone, someone who is completely different around you. Perhaps you love my company so much. Maybe you get a perfect soul mate. But, you see, I am not happy with you. Maybe my writer self has some writerly benefits because of you. Apart from that, there is nothing worth enjoying in your company.

Last year, at the same time, in the same season, you appeared. You know, this is my favorite season. It is the season of festivals. It is the season of lights. It is the season of celebration. It is the season of connections. But you ruined everything around me. From this year, I don’t crave this season. Old traumas are triggering me.. I am too sad to even to recognize my sadness. You made me numb. Somewhere I am in between darkness with more darkness.

          I cannot tell what exactly captivated me to write you. But, you know, there is gloom which is there to evaporate. I am just venting it down. You make me lose my festivity. I lost myself in your company. Maybe you felt that, she looked like a gloom lover, so I need to give her company. But that was not the truth. I looked like a sadness freak, but I am not. Deep inside, I always had a cheerful child. Someone who can dance in little things. Someone who can smile just being oneself. So confident enough even with failure. But because of your company, I am being saddist. This morning, because of sadness, because of the anger inside me, I tore my own diary. 

          Diary was always my safe space. Even in the bad days, they accompanied me. They were things that accepted my weirdness. But the sad thing they are no more with me. So, I am wishing your goodbyes. Dear sadness, I don’t want to live with you anymore. Please, leave me soon.