बिद्रोहको यात्रा

आज फेरी सेतो क्यानभाषमा
मैले कालो रंग पोतिदिएँ
थाहा छैन
तिम्रा इन्द्रेणीहरुले मलाई
कसरी हेर्नेछ्न् भोली
सायद यो कठिन हुनेछ
बिद्रोहको यात्रा ............
म फूल होइन मुस्कुराइरहन सकिन । ।

हरेकपटक
तिम्रो इन्द्रेणी
मेरो रहेन ....
तिम्रो रंग
मेरो भएन.......
तिम्रो परिभाषा
मेरो बनेन.......
सायद तिमीजस्तो नहुनु
जीवनका थुप्रै क्यानभाषमा कालो पोत्नु रहेछ
आज फेरी सेतो क्यानभाषमा
मैले कालो रंग पोतिदिएँ । ।

मौन सिम्फोनी

जीवनको रंग यती फिका फिका.........
लाग्छ कहिलेकाही
लाग्छ भरिदिउँ तिम्रो  रंग
भरिदिउँ मेरो रंग.….
थाहा छ
बुझ्न गार्हो छ
बुझाउँन अझै गार्हो
सायद मैले गल्ती गरें!
तिम्रा मौन प्रश्नहरुको जवाफ
मौनतामै दिएँ !
सबै मौनता प्रिय हुँदारहेनछ्न्......
जस्तोकी सबै मौन रातहरु
माफ गर!
समयले सबैलाई पर्खदोरहेनछ
आज तिम्रा मौन गीतहरुमा
फेरी मैले मौन सिम्फोनीहरु भरिदिएकी छु । । 

अस्पष्टता

उडिरहेका चराहरु
फूलिरहेका फूलहरु
वा दिनहुँ सपना बोकेर हिंडिरहेका पाइलाहरु
मजस्तै
अथवा तिमीजस्तै
शब्द शब्दलाई जीवनको वाक्य मानेर
रमाइरहेका हृदयहरु
खै कोही देख्दिन स्पष्ट
खै कहाँ छ सग्लोपन?
खै कहाँ छ स्पष्टता?
म बिना चस्मा हेरिरहेछु
देख्दैछु धमिलो मात्र धमिलो
खाली कागज
बताससँगै उडिरहने छरपष्ट अक्षरहरु
खै केहि देख्दिन स्पष्ट
धमिलो मात्र धमिलो। 

"Honesty is the Best policy"

It is easy to write about your own experiences but at the same time, it is difficult, to be honest. It is difficult to portray very personal experience on a  public platform. It needs guts. Although, it is all about the process of being honest. I think it’s a beautiful thing. Indeed, honesty is the best policy.

          Today, as always, I am walking with the same motto  “honesty is the best policy.”  Most of my close relatives and friends are quite familiar with my unfamiliar nature that is I am so bad with those things which are called social one.  I never feel comfortable in public gathering and functions. So, most of the time I feel very uncomfortable to talk about social institution because I consider myself very unsocial one. However, today I am going to talk about a social institution that is about marriage because I thought that I should talk about it.

          I don’t know how sociology and anthropology define marriage although I have been the student of them. Maybe they take it as a social institution. Maybe may not be. I am not sure. But my take on it is  purely personal one. Purely individual one. Well, I was thinking to write about it for a long time but I already said it needs courage. Finally, today I feel that I can write about it.

          When you became 25 the most common question people ask you is “when you are getting married?” It is more common in case of women as if you have nothing to do except it. I am writing this because of my experience. And the funniest thing is to see their reactions. They react like your life is worthless because you are single. Sometimes I am quite surprised to see their reactions.

          Recently hajurama told me, “Aba ta pani love gar, sabaile love garera bihe garisake.” Then I said, “ Ma ta bihe nagarne” I was in a very light mood and reacted like this but for her, marriage is everything because she never sees life beyond this. But for me the thing is different. I cannot see my life just for marriage. From childhood, my perception about marriage is different. I never see myself as marriage material. The main reason behind is that I wasn’t like that girl who was supposed to be easily likable. I wasn’t a pretty one, who was the star among relatives and friends. I was out of the box in every category. Maybe that is the reason, I never thought that one day prince will come and take me in far dreamland. I never take marriage in that way. From childhood, I have been rereading this institution from a very different perspective. Sometimes as an outsider, sometimes as a very critical and cynical thinker.

          Now, everyone says that I am in the marriageable age. But I don’t what is the right age. However, as always I become quite cynical when I think about it. Everyone says it’s the beginning of a new life. Although I always found this very complex institution because still, marriage is more about ownership rather than partnership especially in case of women. I have seen many wonderful ladies around me who left everything, wonderful career, many dreams just to save this institution. But it is wonderful if it is all about partnership rather than ownership.

          Again I am going to wrap up with my own point of view. As a woman,  I got a wonderful father, brother, and friends in my life. I feel fortunate enough because I am nothing without them.  Believe me, I am not anti-male.   But I don’t know why I found this institution a little bit odd one. Problematic one. Little bit regressive one. Maybe it is all about my misconception.

Last Year

It’s already 8^th of  Baisakha and I still, cannot go away from the hangover of 2074. Time never goes back.....but sometimes it can be. Still, I am living with 2074 and yet this feeling has refused to go away. So, I am going to talk about 2074, the year which has given me many memories to remember and many lessons to learn.

            Last year this time I was in Gorkha. So, I want to start with Gorkha. Now I am remembering those days in Khadka gaun especially those last days when we were about to return back. I would never forget the love, respect and everything which I  got and learned from there. And I always think 2074 is special because of Gorkha memories. Memories are nothing without people and their stories. Jasper, Bikesh Dai, Freya, Daisy, Hardika,  Bhawana, Hannah, Saroj, Radip, Daniel, Michael these are the wonderful people who made 2074 very memorable. Jasper! I learned many things from you, especially how to be nonjudgemental. And I realized we can be friends although we have pretty different personalities and backgrounds because of you. Bikes dai! I learned many things from your personality, especially how to be silent at the same time very productive and constructive for the work. These days I am trying to work like you. Freya, by seeing you I realized being different makes the world interesting. I want to be an avid reader like you.  Daisy, I consider you the most intelligent member of our group, it’s my pleasure I got chance to work with you. Hardika, I love your confidence. If I can I would like to be as confident and as assertive as you but I know I cannot. Bhawana, Saroj and Radip, you people gave me the respect and love like my brother and sister. I feel lucky because I met you. Hannah, Daniel, I want to be as hardworking as you.

            In 2074, after completing my ICS journey I returned back Kathmandu with lots of confidence and hope. At that time I thought that ICS experience gives me many platforms to work with the international organizations. Then, I applied for both VSO and Raleigh team leader. Also, I applied for UN- Women intern and for other organization. Unfortunately, I did not get any platforms. I think I was free almost 2 months. Those two months were challenging but not so much frustrating. At least I had little bit hope. Then, I started teaching because I wanted to be independent both emotionally and financially. But teaching has never been my dream job so at that time I felt that  I fall down in a different world.  The world where I never imagine one day I would be there. In teaching, everything was new to me although I am the daughter of two teachers who passed their entire life talking about teaching and education. I think the first two-three months of my teaching were the most difficult and frustrating phase of my life. At that time I used to think each day is a new challenge. Those days were very difficult in terms of many things. That was the time when I suddenly lose my confidence, hope, university hangover everything which I had before. And the realization I am not good for it although you came from that background where you never felt these kinds of experience is very unbearable. However, this kind of experience teaches you many things in terms of personal development and professional too. Now when I think about it I realize we human being need some kind of motivation and inspiration in our life to go further. And we need to revisit the past to learn from our own weakness and strength.

This is all about my 2074 journey. I hope 2075 will be more fruitful in terms of my personal and professional growth.  I am equally thankful to the people I encountered and the stories I heard in 2074.

Dream

“Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes”  this is my favorite quotation so far. But sometimes it’s hard to articulate what we really feel. I think I am not good in speaking. So, writing has always been a very good medium to express. Today, I am going to talk about a dream. It’s a very slippery word, it makes you fall down many times. So does with me. Sometimes I think it is the greatest irony to talk about dreams. It’s a ridiculous thing. But I am doing this ridiculous thing.

Last time my small school kids asked me, “Ma’am what was your dream when you were like us?” And next one said,” She wanted to be a teacher so she is here.” That was a very difficult moment. I think the most difficult one. I did not want to tell lie but at the same time, I could not tell truth too. As usual, I smiled and said  I love books so I am here to teach you. I couldn't tell them the reality because I always tell them to follow your dream and do what you love. In a way, I don’t want to see my children doing those things what they do not want to do like our generation. We are bound to surrender with many other realities before our dreams. But  I don’t want to see their failures.

 Finally, I am jumping into the main topic that is a dream. The dream is that thing which you aspire for, which you want to do, which you love to do. I think it’s a beautiful word but very slippery in its action. I think I am not wrong by telling dream changes according to time. But dreams are dreams. You have always guilty if you don’t follow dreams. At least you need to try it once without thinking about failures. Like my small school kids, I too had dreams. Still, I have. When I was a child,  I wanted to be a newsreader. At that time NTV was the only national tv chanal of Nepal. And we use to follow a lot. At that time Rama Singh was probably one of the influential news readers. So, as a child, I wanted to be like her. She was the greatest aspiration to me at that time. Even after finishing my SLC I studied journalism because I wanted to be like her. I think that was my first dream. Now, I don’t have guilt and regret because at least I tried to follow it. Time changed the way I perceive the world is very different now. My aspirations are different. Now what I aspire is very different than that time. But somehow it’s very hard to say I am following my own dream here in Nepal. We need to think about many other basic things before our dreams. Now I have more inclination with the creative world, the world where I can express my stories in a creative way because stories are always my inspiration. In fact, I want to navigate the world with my own stories. I like to tell my stories because I strongly believe, Mira Nair's statement, “If we don’t tell our own stories no one else will tell.”

As a woman sometimes I feel we have many challenges to follow our dreams. Sometimes the family expectation is so different it can be challenging. But, financial independence is the first, foremost thing that always makes you more confident to meet your own expectation. I think I am quite lucky enough in this case because my parents never forced me to do a particular thing. They liberate me to be a freethinker and allow me to navigate the world on my own terms. They respect both my weakness and strength. And because of them I always feel I am the master of my life. I always celebrate my uniqueness like my unique dreams. So, keep on believing in your dream  although it can be slippery

समग्रता

जम्नु........
पग्लनु......
फेरी बग्नु.........
यथार्थको रसायनबाट म भागिरहन सक्दिन
कथाझैं....
कविताझैं....
चित्रझैं....
 सायद जीवनका एक्ला एक्ला आयामहरुझैं
म पत्रपत्र जिउँदैछु ।
 मूल्याङ्कनको समुच्च आधारशिविरमा
म नभेट्टिन सक्छु
भेट्टिएपनी एक्लिन सक्छु
तिमीले मलाई बेवास्था गर्न सक्छौ
नबोल्न सक्छौ
आरोपहरु लगाउँन सक्छौ
कमजोरीहरु औल्याउन सक्छौ
म नियम र बन्धनहरुमा रमाउन्न
 मलाई थाहा छ
समग्रताको जादुवी रंगहरुभन्दा म थेरै पर छु
धेरै पर...............
 त्यसैले जम्छु, पग्लन्छु अनि फेरी बग्छु ।