Goodbye Dear Sixteen

Sometimes 2016 says goodbye to me. I also say goodbye. But almost 15 days are left for official goodbye. While talking about 2016, I had many emotional ups and downs. Let's start with positive things. I have completed my master degree. I think this is one positive thing. But I went through many downs. Many obstacles. Many emotional exams. After many years I again started living alone. Lots of peers pressure. Lots of career tension. Last but not the least is that again I started feeling alone, companyless. In fact, second half challenged me a lot.

   Every end is challenging like every start. I think, 2016 was the end of my formal study might be because of that it was challenging. Might be it was not challenging. But I think it was more disgusting, more loner than 2015. But some beautiful memories are there. I can’t forget trekking. Especially second day’s trip.

            And one of the awesome memories is a journey of thesis writing. Everyone knows thesis writing is not an easy task. Editing own’s writing like an examiner, being a critic of oneself, proofreading and finding own mistakes is a hilarious job. And I got this hilarious memory this year, that was awesome in retrospect. Previously, I assumed that after finishing thesis I may hate Sirisko Phool. But I again in love with Sirisko Phool. That is amazing. And funny thing is that again I am in love with Parijat.

            I already mentioned that it was more challenging than 2015.  It was challenging because of career tension. While studying we never imagine we have to wait for many months for a single job. But the reality is a reality. And I faced the same reality.

            Apart from that, all the things were normal. Same type of routine. Like previous years, in 2016 too, I was a student. I started each day with books. No progress at all. Same type of linearity in lifestyle.

            However, I am more hopeful with 2017. In the upcoming year, I want to add profession in my bio. I don't want to write the only student in front of my profession.  I  am fed up with the same type of daily routine. So, in 2017, I would like to gain something more. No more a continuation of a student life. In 2017, I am hoping for change. I want to do experiment with myself. I want to go far from my comfort zone.

            But every year comes with hope ends with frustration. But 2016 was not sweet like sweet sixteen. Although, I want grand farewell of it. So goodbye sixteen for all the love, all the cheerful and depressing memories. Memories of Chitlang and Kulekhani. Memories of thesis writing especially for the headache memory of viva.  And all the memories of TU.   All these memories are part of you. At last goodbye dear sixteen with lots of love. 

            

इतिहास

पानाहरु खाली छन्
शब्दहरु मौन छन्
तर  तिम्रो मात्र छैन् इतिहास
मेरो पनि छ
नहोलान् युद्धका कथाहरु
बहादुरीका उपन्यासहरु...
अंहका महाकाब्यहरु.......
म तिम्रो मुलुकमा प्रेमका अलिखित कविताहरु लेख्छु
म मातृत्वको प्रेमले ग्रस्त छु
तिमीजस्तो भातृत्वको कुरा गर्दिन
आज पनि हिजोजस्तै
हुनसक्छ मेरो क्षितिज
तिम्रो सयनकक्ष भन्दा सानो..........
म तिम्रो मुलुकको सानो मानिस हुँ
परिचयपत्रमा अझै तिम्रै नाम छ
तिम्रै नामले रंगिन्छु
तिम्रै नामले अल्निन्छु
नहोला मेरो छुट्टै इन्द्रेणि
छुट्टै शब्दकोश
अझै पनि कहिलेकाही तिम्रै शब्दहरु सापटी लिन्छु
र पनि तिम्रो मात्र छैन इतिहास
मेरो पनि छ
युद्धमा नरंगेको मेरो इतिहास
प्रेम मात्र प्रेमले पिडित छ ।

म केहि होइन

माफ गर

आज म सपनाको कुरा गर्दिन

तिमीलाई थाहा छ 

वा छैन

म इन्द्रेणिको कुनै रंग होइन

न हुँ गलामा सजिने कुनै सुन्दर फूल

म गूलाफ होइन

न सयपत्री

म हिमाल होइन

न नदि.… 

वा तिमी बुझ्न सक्छौ

म तिमीले देख्ने सपनाकी परी होइन

न तिम्ले प्रत्येक दिन आँखामा सजाउँने भिड हुँ

म केहि होइन

न फेसबुक वालमा "सुन्दर" को उपमा पाउँने सुन्दरी

वा ओठमा रातो पोत्ने किशोरी

न हुँ हरेक दिन प्रशसाको उपहार पाउँने कुनै भाज्ञमानी

म केहि होइन

न तिम्रो भूतपुर्व प्रेमिका

न हुनेवाला

वा तिम्रो कल्पनामा सजिएकी जीवनसंगिनी

म केहि होइन

न सपना.........

न विपना...............

न भविस्य............................

धिप धिप गर्दै बलेको मैनबत्ती हुँ म
बल्न पनि सक्छु
नबल्न पनि सक्छु
पग्लिएँ भने बलेछु भन्ने बुझ्नु
नत्र कठोर यथार्थको पर्याय ।

यात्राको अन्त्य

थाहा छैन
यात्राको सुरुवात के थियो
मुस्कान वा रोदन ?
भन्नुपर्ने केहि थिएन
हामी चुपचाप बस्न सक्थ्यौं
पहाड, हिमाल र मैदान जसरी
रुख, फूल र पात जसरी
तर हामी गुमसुम बसेनौं
आँखाका भाकाहरु पढ्यौं
मुटुका चालहरु सुन्यौं
थाहै नपाइ
हामी मौन रहेर पनि मौन रहेनौं
कहिलेकाही नदीजसरी गड्गडायौं
पानी बनेर
कहिलेकाही फूलजसरी फक्रर्यौ
मुस्कान बनेर
यदाकदा सपनाको रंगिन क्यानभासमा
सैर गर्यौ रंग बनेर
थाहा छैन यात्राको अन्त्य के हुँनेछ................
 आज म गन्तब्यको चिन्ताले
ब्याकुल छु ।

स्वतन्त्रता, मुक्ति, मोक्ष वा अचल्तिको बाटो ?

रंग र बेरंग बिच
युद्ध चलिरह्यो
जीवनको आफ्नै परिभाषाभित्र
मलाई एउटा रोज्नुथियो
बेरंग रोजिदिएँ ।

थुप्रै रंगहरुसँग घुल्न नसक्नुको पिडा
वा इन्द्रेणीसँगको दुश्मनी
हुनसक्छ रंगको आफ्नै मैफिलभित्र
बहिस्कृत हुनुको प्रतिसोध
मैले बेरंग रोजिदिएँ ......

थुप्रै थुप्रै सुन्दर रंगहरुबिच
असुन्दर हुनुको आत्माबोध
वा अनेकौ रंगलाई
बेरंग देख्ने दृष्टिभ्रम
हुनसक्छ रंगिनलाई रंगिन नमान्ने
मेरो आफ्नै जीवनभ्रम
मैले बेरंग रोजिदिएँ ।

आज जीवनको यही बिन्दुमा अडिएर
आफैँसँग सोधिरहेछु
रँगलाई त्यागेर बेरंग रोज्नुलाई के भनिन्छ
स्वतन्त्रता
मुक्ति
मोक्ष
वा अचल्तिको बाटो ?

हाडमासुको अक्षरबजारबाट

विचारको स्वाधिन परिधिभित्र रहेर
सफा सेतो कागजमा
लेख्ने, कोर्ने कैद गर्ने कुराहरु हुँदाहुँदै पनि
मौन रहन चाहेँ ।


 चेतनाको मौलिक शब्दकोसभित्र
सायद लेखिएको थियो
यो कागज, मसी र अक्षरको संसार होइन
यहाँ अक्षर कम
हाड, मासु र छाला बढी बुझिन्छ

यहाँ अक्षरहरु कम लेखिन्छ
जती लेखिन्छन्
कपाल नाक र आँखाहरु
लिपिस्टिक, गाजल र नेलपोलिसहरु ।

यहाँ अक्षरहरु मगजबाट जन्मदैनन्
जती जन्मन्छन्
स्तन, योनी र लिङ्गबाट
जती हुर्कन्छन्
हाड, मासु र छालाबाट ।

मौनताको सिङ्गो किताब साक्षी राखेर
किन किन आज
हाडमासुको अक्षरबजारबाट अर्को कालो झण्डा
आफैँबिरुद्ध देखाउँने रहर जागेको छ ।

I AM THAT IMAGE PEOPLE NEVER LIKE TO SKETCH

म कसैले नकोरेको चित्र हुँ सायद आफैँले पनि , this is the one line which I mostly use to explain myself. Or this is the final sentence I choose to explain myself. Explaining oneself is the hard job because people rarely want to understand oneself. Apart from that explaining oneself, is quite an egocentric job. People hardly feel comfortable to listen to others. So do I. That’s why sometimes I think that why to write about myself, it’s a foolish job. But diary writing habit compels me to write about myself. It’s all about one, who is so boring but writes about herself. One who never fits in any box but sometimes talks about convention and norms. One, who never got any best friend in childhood but sometimes writes about friendship. One, who is quite odd and has a contradiction in herself but sometimes opines about common agenda. This is all about that one who even doesn't know she has to write about herself or not.

Previously, I committed that next time I will not write about myself. But, I have to apologize with myself that today also I write about myself. So, you can call me egocentric. Individualistic. Boring. Or, you can call it a self- aggrandizement. It is all about boring continuation of a self-explanation. And it explores all my contradiction.

Mostly I like to explain about women’s world. Or that world which I feel comfortable or easy to explain about. Might be because it is my comfort zone. Might be because it does not demand further research. Might be. Might not be. I am not sure.

Lately, I am entering into my own experience. When I was a child Radio Nepal used to play one slogan, “Bihebari bis barsh pari” and that used to be in our mouth. And my family members used to ask me, “When will you get married?” I used to say when I will be twenty. That was the time when I used to see marriage as a very interesting thing. Funny.  Time changed. People changed. Now my own perception about marriage also changed. I am no more that little girl who believes in Cinderella and Fairy tale’s concept about marriage. Now, my own perception about marriage becomes more complex. Situation becomes more complex. 

Well, I am going to talk about twenty. Or the perception about marriage after twenty. Frankly speaking, twenty does not sound so interesting like sweet sixteen. I think everyone feels quite tough enough in twenty similarly after twenty. Especially in our society girls have to prepare for many things after twenty. Mostly family pressure for marriage. Career pressure. And people’s reaction on her personality if she does not fit in that category people imagine a girl could be.  If she does not meet that category people say she will not found any guy. She is an ugly daughter, nobody comes for. She will bourdain for her family and so on. I too have crossed the twenty and I too have listened those types of reaction on myself.

Our society supposed or takes marriage differently in the case of girl. Marriage always becomes a turning point in most of the girl's life.  In most of the cases after marriage, she has to compromise for a career, for family and every choice of her life. If she does not get married up to twenty-five, people tend to make many hypothesis. It is useless to talk about that here because we all know what are they. So, sometimes I think that Arundhati is literally right. Once in an interview, she said, “I was the worst thing a girl could be: thin, black and clever.” And I too found its worst thing, especially for girls. Particularly in our society.

As a member of society or as a girl I too have those kinds of experiences. When I revisit my own life, I found many experiences when my relatives said “ nobody comes for you because you are ugly. Or you have to compromise for your life partner because of your outlook and so on.” And next thing is that I never feel belongingness where I live, might be because of that I always feel out of box. I am an outsider because people rarely imagine their daughter, wife, sister even a girlfriend like me. Most of the time I considered myself an odd, an outsider. I am nobody, nobody’s dream, nobody’s smile, nobody’s ambition. Finally, I am that image people never like  to sketch perhaps me myself too.