I AM THAT IMAGE PEOPLE NEVER LIKE TO SKETCH

म कसैले नकोरेको चित्र हुँ सायद आफैँले पनि , this is the one line which I mostly use to explain myself. Or this is the final sentence I choose to explain myself. Explaining oneself is the hard job because people rarely want to understand oneself. Apart from that explaining oneself, is quite an egocentric job. People hardly feel comfortable to listen to others. So do I. That’s why sometimes I think that why to write about myself, it’s a foolish job. But diary writing habit compels me to write about myself. It’s all about one, who is so boring but writes about herself. One who never fits in any box but sometimes talks about convention and norms. One, who never got any best friend in childhood but sometimes writes about friendship. One, who is quite odd and has a contradiction in herself but sometimes opines about common agenda. This is all about that one who even doesn't know she has to write about herself or not.

Previously, I committed that next time I will not write about myself. But, I have to apologize with myself that today also I write about myself. So, you can call me egocentric. Individualistic. Boring. Or, you can call it a self- aggrandizement. It is all about boring continuation of a self-explanation. And it explores all my contradiction.

Mostly I like to explain about women’s world. Or that world which I feel comfortable or easy to explain about. Might be because it is my comfort zone. Might be because it does not demand further research. Might be. Might not be. I am not sure.

Lately, I am entering into my own experience. When I was a child Radio Nepal used to play one slogan, “Bihebari bis barsh pari” and that used to be in our mouth. And my family members used to ask me, “When will you get married?” I used to say when I will be twenty. That was the time when I used to see marriage as a very interesting thing. Funny.  Time changed. People changed. Now my own perception about marriage also changed. I am no more that little girl who believes in Cinderella and Fairy tale’s concept about marriage. Now, my own perception about marriage becomes more complex. Situation becomes more complex. 

Well, I am going to talk about twenty. Or the perception about marriage after twenty. Frankly speaking, twenty does not sound so interesting like sweet sixteen. I think everyone feels quite tough enough in twenty similarly after twenty. Especially in our society girls have to prepare for many things after twenty. Mostly family pressure for marriage. Career pressure. And people’s reaction on her personality if she does not fit in that category people imagine a girl could be.  If she does not meet that category people say she will not found any guy. She is an ugly daughter, nobody comes for. She will bourdain for her family and so on. I too have crossed the twenty and I too have listened those types of reaction on myself.

Our society supposed or takes marriage differently in the case of girl. Marriage always becomes a turning point in most of the girl's life.  In most of the cases after marriage, she has to compromise for a career, for family and every choice of her life. If she does not get married up to twenty-five, people tend to make many hypothesis. It is useless to talk about that here because we all know what are they. So, sometimes I think that Arundhati is literally right. Once in an interview, she said, “I was the worst thing a girl could be: thin, black and clever.” And I too found its worst thing, especially for girls. Particularly in our society.

As a member of society or as a girl I too have those kinds of experiences. When I revisit my own life, I found many experiences when my relatives said “ nobody comes for you because you are ugly. Or you have to compromise for your life partner because of your outlook and so on.” And next thing is that I never feel belongingness where I live, might be because of that I always feel out of box. I am an outsider because people rarely imagine their daughter, wife, sister even a girlfriend like me. Most of the time I considered myself an odd, an outsider. I am nobody, nobody’s dream, nobody’s smile, nobody’s ambition. Finally, I am that image people never like  to sketch perhaps me myself too.