Dream

“Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes”  this is my favorite quotation so far. But sometimes it’s hard to articulate what we really feel. I think I am not good in speaking. So, writing has always been a very good medium to express. Today, I am going to talk about a dream. It’s a very slippery word, it makes you fall down many times. So does with me. Sometimes I think it is the greatest irony to talk about dreams. It’s a ridiculous thing. But I am doing this ridiculous thing.

Last time my small school kids asked me, “Ma’am what was your dream when you were like us?” And next one said,” She wanted to be a teacher so she is here.” That was a very difficult moment. I think the most difficult one. I did not want to tell lie but at the same time, I could not tell truth too. As usual, I smiled and said  I love books so I am here to teach you. I couldn't tell them the reality because I always tell them to follow your dream and do what you love. In a way, I don’t want to see my children doing those things what they do not want to do like our generation. We are bound to surrender with many other realities before our dreams. But  I don’t want to see their failures.

 Finally, I am jumping into the main topic that is a dream. The dream is that thing which you aspire for, which you want to do, which you love to do. I think it’s a beautiful word but very slippery in its action. I think I am not wrong by telling dream changes according to time. But dreams are dreams. You have always guilty if you don’t follow dreams. At least you need to try it once without thinking about failures. Like my small school kids, I too had dreams. Still, I have. When I was a child,  I wanted to be a newsreader. At that time NTV was the only national tv chanal of Nepal. And we use to follow a lot. At that time Rama Singh was probably one of the influential news readers. So, as a child, I wanted to be like her. She was the greatest aspiration to me at that time. Even after finishing my SLC I studied journalism because I wanted to be like her. I think that was my first dream. Now, I don’t have guilt and regret because at least I tried to follow it. Time changed the way I perceive the world is very different now. My aspirations are different. Now what I aspire is very different than that time. But somehow it’s very hard to say I am following my own dream here in Nepal. We need to think about many other basic things before our dreams. Now I have more inclination with the creative world, the world where I can express my stories in a creative way because stories are always my inspiration. In fact, I want to navigate the world with my own stories. I like to tell my stories because I strongly believe, Mira Nair's statement, “If we don’t tell our own stories no one else will tell.”

As a woman sometimes I feel we have many challenges to follow our dreams. Sometimes the family expectation is so different it can be challenging. But, financial independence is the first, foremost thing that always makes you more confident to meet your own expectation. I think I am quite lucky enough in this case because my parents never forced me to do a particular thing. They liberate me to be a freethinker and allow me to navigate the world on my own terms. They respect both my weakness and strength. And because of them I always feel I am the master of my life. I always celebrate my uniqueness like my unique dreams. So, keep on believing in your dream  although it can be slippery

समग्रता

जम्नु........
पग्लनु......
फेरी बग्नु.........
यथार्थको रसायनबाट म भागिरहन सक्दिन
कथाझैं....
कविताझैं....
चित्रझैं....
 सायद जीवनका एक्ला एक्ला आयामहरुझैं
म पत्रपत्र जिउँदैछु ।
 मूल्याङ्कनको समुच्च आधारशिविरमा
म नभेट्टिन सक्छु
भेट्टिएपनी एक्लिन सक्छु
तिमीले मलाई बेवास्था गर्न सक्छौ
नबोल्न सक्छौ
आरोपहरु लगाउँन सक्छौ
कमजोरीहरु औल्याउन सक्छौ
म नियम र बन्धनहरुमा रमाउन्न
 मलाई थाहा छ
समग्रताको जादुवी रंगहरुभन्दा म थेरै पर छु
धेरै पर...............
 त्यसैले जम्छु, पग्लन्छु अनि फेरी बग्छु ।

सहर

मनिसहरु भन्छन् यो सपनाको सहर हो
सायद ठिकै भन्छ्न्
बादलले भरिएको आकाश
धुलोले भरिएको सडक
र मेरा धमिला आखाँहरुलाई
सपना देख्न सिकाउने सहर यही हो ।

अन्तद्वन्दका अग्लाअग्ला पर्खालहरु
आकांक्षाका फराकिला होडिङबोडहरु
 तिम्ले र मैले
संगालेका प्रेमिल क्षणहरुको
साक्षी हो यो सहर ..............

सायद लेखेर पनि अलिखित
बोलेर पनि मौन
अथवा समयको कुनै परिधिमा अट्न असफल यो सहर
हुनसक्छ हाम्रा सफेद कथाहरुको
रंगिन परिभाषा हो ।

आज सहर मौन छ
जस्तो कि तिमी र म
र हाम्रा सपनाहरु...............
तर के मौनाता आवाजविहिनता हो र ?
अनी प्रेम मात्र सम्बन्ध ?
सायद........
सहरको परिभाषा सहर नै जान्दछ
जस्तो कि प्रेमको .....................
प्रेम नै ।

Neither I Connect it only with Money nor only with Power

When I think about education, the first thing which comes to my mind is I am nothing without it. I cannot imagine my life without reading books and writing something only for myself even in my bizarre fantasy. People connect education with many things with the position they hold after getting an education, the money they earn because of education, the freedom they get because of education etc. They have their own dictionary and theory about education. But for me, education is that thing which liberated me from every dimension. Neither I  connect it only with money nor only with power. You may think why she is only talking about what she thinks about education. But today is my graduation day so I have the hudge thinking about education early in the morning.  And in a way, I don’t want to suppress it. So, I am not just thinking I am writing also.

Like every middle class, for my family also being educated means being more powerful. I think I am privileged enough my parents never forced me to get those types of degrees which have more career options and more money. My parents never told me education is about money. Mostly we don’t talk about money and education together. For them, I am graduate, my brother is doing master’s that means a lot. Sometimes when I think about them my eyes fill with tears. They liberate me in any sense. So, I always tell my friends I never seek inspiration outside because my family is always there to inspire me. My mom has always been the great inspiration to me. How she got the education is always been the great story of inspiration to me. And my father’s decision to send her again school after 10 years is that thing which inspires me to be a better person like him. Maybe because of my mother’s story I value education more. Maybe my father’s decision to send her school.

Today early in the morning my father called me and said:”Please capture more photo.” At that time I felt that it’s not my convocation today is my parent’s convocation. They are more excited than me. They are excited because they value education. They are excited because they know what education means. Sometimes we discuss about education from very narrow perspective. We only connect it either with money or power. As if degree means money giving machine. We hardly talk about the real meaning of education. As an educated human being how critical we are, how we take morality and ethics, how we stand with everything comes in our way. These things hardly become discourse in a larger platform. Sometimes I feel that in Nepal education is all about popular culture. People are getting degrees because everyone is getting degrees. Neither they are critical of themselves nor they know what is the real meaning of education. But in a sense it is good at least they are educated and they have some skills.

I don’t know my opinion feet in all the cases or not. But I don’t connect education only with money or power. Yes, we need money. However, education is not only about money. Education liberates you. It makes you free. It makes you liberal. It gives you dignity. It makes you better human being. Education is not only skill, it is more about making you a better person. And today, I am very much grateful to all my amazing teachers from elementary school to university. They gave me confidence. They gave me dignity.  They gave me a freedom to be myself. And my parents, who made me free from all the gender restrictions, from all the financial problem and always said me just you read then only we will be happy and treated me as if  I am the most intellectual girl of the world although I know I lack many things.

Celebrate the Emptiness Rather Than Cursing it.........

It’s burning hot outside. I can take a shower or I can go swimming. But I am here inside my bedroom because I want to write. But I don’t know what to write or what to tell. I know I want to tell. But I don’t know what  I want to tell. I am empty. I am empty and clean as paper before the poem.

Why don’t we talk about emptiness? Maybe you think I am sad. But I am not.  I am happy so I want to talk about emptiness. If I am not I don’t want to because I can’t write with problems and tensions. Buddhism defines it in this way, “Form is emptiness, emptiness is form.” I don’t know what it means but I find it quite interesting.

Similarly, I found one interesting quote about emptiness. Ratna Suzuki says, “I have poured my heart out...... And now I am empty.” Likewise, Dejan Stojanovic defines emptiness,” If emptiness is endless, then everything rests in emptiness.” I am also so close to his idea about emptiness because I also feel somehow we are trying to avoid emptiness in life but at the same time, we are living in emptiness. So, without avoiding it why don’t we celebrate it.

Most of the time when if we tell someone I am empty. He\she takes it as sadness or not in a positive way. But it’s good to be empty sometimes. At least, it gives some space for self-realization. The realization of reality.  And reality about life. I always found the ending paragraph of Blue Mimosa very interesting. In the paragraph, Suyogbir explains the emptiness of life in this way, “Within the glass, I see two deep dark eyes. I see a shorn head. I drink I am content. My own fingers have become yellow with nicotine. I often look at them and I am content. Bari does not exist and I recall that here, love does not exist either. I am living in an absurd world and, I always acknowledge, I am living in a great void. Most of the people define it tragic but I found it more positive than tragic. In a way, he is living realizing that bitter fact. So, he is celebrating emptiness.

Sometimes I feel every idea comes with or germinates with some kind of emptiness. We cannot realize the reality in a mess of ideas or with a large jumble of opinionated people. Sometimes we need that silent and empty space where we can realize ourselves. In fact, We realize that nothingness which gives us somehow the futility of everyday conflict. It’s a very good space to be nobody. Because in everyday life we are surrounded and exploited with our own multiple identities. With our own egos.  And with that intellectuality where we have to behave in a certain way. But emptiness is an escape from all these egos and identities where we can celebrate our insanity, insecurity and we can dance with our unsung self. So, let's celebrate the emptiness rather than cursing it.....................

पर्खाल

एउटा पर्खाल भत्किनुपर्ने  थियो
जसरी भत्किन्छन् आवेगहरु
आवाज बनेर..........
जसरी निस्कन्छ्न् भावनाहरु
आँसु बनेर...........
सायद भत्किनुपर्ने थियो
मौनताको पर्खाल
शून्यताको पर्खाल
स्थिरताको पर्खाल
तिम्रो हृदयको पर्खाल........
मेरो निशब्दताको पर्खाल..............
सायद......... भत्कनुपर्ने थियो
बिडम्बना भत्किएन ।

सम्बन्ध

तिम्रोलागी मैले केहि शब्दहरु रचेँ
र आफैंले मेटिदिएं
कोर्नु र मेट्नुको पिडा
आमालाई सोध!
आज सम्बन्धको धरातल फेरिएको छ
चाहेरै पनि म ति शब्दहरु कोर्न सक्दिन्
र रङ्गाउँन सक्दिन्
हृदयको सानो क्यानभाषमा.....
निशब्दता........  मौनता
अथवा....... शून्यता
वा अरु केहि
यस्तै.... यस्तैको कोलाजमा
कही कतै तिमी भेटिन्छौ
लाग्छ तिम्रो र
मेरो सम्बन्ध यही हो ।