Celebrate the Emptiness Rather Than Cursing it.........

It’s burning hot outside. I can take a shower or I can go swimming. But I am here inside my bedroom because I want to write. But I don’t know what to write or what to tell. I know I want to tell. But I don’t know what  I want to tell. I am empty. I am empty and clean as paper before the poem.

Why don’t we talk about emptiness? Maybe you think I am sad. But I am not.  I am happy so I want to talk about emptiness. If I am not I don’t want to because I can’t write with problems and tensions. Buddhism defines it in this way, “Form is emptiness, emptiness is form.” I don’t know what it means but I find it quite interesting.

Similarly, I found one interesting quote about emptiness. Ratna Suzuki says, “I have poured my heart out...... And now I am empty.” Likewise, Dejan Stojanovic defines emptiness,” If emptiness is endless, then everything rests in emptiness.” I am also so close to his idea about emptiness because I also feel somehow we are trying to avoid emptiness in life but at the same time, we are living in emptiness. So, without avoiding it why don’t we celebrate it.

Most of the time when if we tell someone I am empty. He\she takes it as sadness or not in a positive way. But it’s good to be empty sometimes. At least, it gives some space for self-realization. The realization of reality.  And reality about life. I always found the ending paragraph of Blue Mimosa very interesting. In the paragraph, Suyogbir explains the emptiness of life in this way, “Within the glass, I see two deep dark eyes. I see a shorn head. I drink I am content. My own fingers have become yellow with nicotine. I often look at them and I am content. Bari does not exist and I recall that here, love does not exist either. I am living in an absurd world and, I always acknowledge, I am living in a great void. Most of the people define it tragic but I found it more positive than tragic. In a way, he is living realizing that bitter fact. So, he is celebrating emptiness.

Sometimes I feel every idea comes with or germinates with some kind of emptiness. We cannot realize the reality in a mess of ideas or with a large jumble of opinionated people. Sometimes we need that silent and empty space where we can realize ourselves. In fact, We realize that nothingness which gives us somehow the futility of everyday conflict. It’s a very good space to be nobody. Because in everyday life we are surrounded and exploited with our own multiple identities. With our own egos.  And with that intellectuality where we have to behave in a certain way. But emptiness is an escape from all these egos and identities where we can celebrate our insanity, insecurity and we can dance with our unsung self. So, let's celebrate the emptiness rather than cursing it.....................

पर्खाल

एउटा पर्खाल भत्किनुपर्ने  थियो
जसरी भत्किन्छन् आवेगहरु
आवाज बनेर..........
जसरी निस्कन्छ्न् भावनाहरु
आँसु बनेर...........
सायद भत्किनुपर्ने थियो
मौनताको पर्खाल
शून्यताको पर्खाल
स्थिरताको पर्खाल
तिम्रो हृदयको पर्खाल........
मेरो निशब्दताको पर्खाल..............
सायद......... भत्कनुपर्ने थियो
बिडम्बना भत्किएन ।

सम्बन्ध

तिम्रोलागी मैले केहि शब्दहरु रचेँ
र आफैंले मेटिदिएं
कोर्नु र मेट्नुको पिडा
आमालाई सोध!
आज सम्बन्धको धरातल फेरिएको छ
चाहेरै पनि म ति शब्दहरु कोर्न सक्दिन्
र रङ्गाउँन सक्दिन्
हृदयको सानो क्यानभाषमा.....
निशब्दता........  मौनता
अथवा....... शून्यता
वा अरु केहि
यस्तै.... यस्तैको कोलाजमा
कही कतै तिमी भेटिन्छौ
लाग्छ तिम्रो र
मेरो सम्बन्ध यही हो । 

Love Verses Punishment

              Is it punishment is better or love for a child? This question haunts me terribly these days. In these three months, I have many lows and highs. Sometimes I feel as if I am in the heaven because I am with children. Sometimes I feel as if I am in the hell because they are very restless.  As a teacher, I have to teach them anyway because this is my duty. I cannot say because this child is very naughty so I am unable to make him/ her understand. I cannot say this child is slow learner so he/she cannot learn. These are my challenge, not students'. But sometimes it's hard to manage the class. Because children can be cruel. However, we teachers cannot be cruel only because they are cruel.

             I always have some kind of respect to them as my students. I believe, they do have some kind dignity as a student like me as a teacher. And they deserve love and respect. But in a class, we found the different category of students as a human being. Some are very extrovert, some are very introvert and some are very restless. As a teacher, we have to meet the expectation of all those students. Also, we have to give them that space where they can be themselves.  Sometimes I feel that our education system wants to produce the same kind of category of student. We do not respect different capacities of different students. We want all the student academically same. But it’s not possible because they are different human beings and they expect different things. And they have different dreams. And the same problem I see in the parents too.  Most of the parents want to see their child doctor, engineer and so on. Only those profession which is taken as so-called best one.

            As a student, I never got any punishment in my entire academic life because I am from a very normal public school where children hardly get puni
shment. I don’t know my teachers were best for me or not. But I feel so fortunate because they gave me that warm space where I can be myself.  So, I want to give that space to my children too. Because somehow that makes us so close and connected with our educational institute. And today when I think about myself  I feel nothing without my teachers because they not only gave me knowledge but they made me better human being. They gave me unconditional love. They gave me unconditional confident.  However, that thing which I feel privileged because of them is that they gave me the freedom to be myself.

           Although the same kind of treatment is not good for all the students because they are different. Some children we found academically challenging. Some are behaviourally challenging. And some are very introvert even we never notice them.  But they all are our student and as a teacher, we have to respect all of their characteristics. So these days sometimes I  am confused whether punishment is good or love. Some children we can handle only with polite word, love, and affection. But some need some verbal punishments. I don’t know punishment  is good or not. But sometimes I also give those students verbal punishment just to manage my class. But when I  went home most of the time I felt bad because I gave them punishment. Personally, I don’t want to give them punishment. I think love, affection, care are more powerful than punishment.

         I always feel love is powerful than punishment although when I cannot manage my class with polite words so that sometimes I feel I am wrong.  But my concern is that if we treat them rudely than how they become polite. How they understand cruelty is bad? How they realize I am doing wrong?  These questions are hunting me badly I don’t know when I will get answer.

Fairness Obsession

            When I encounter with my relatives most of the time they give me suggestion to apply fairness cream on my skin. My small school kids many times ask me, “Maam are u from Africa? Why you are so black?.” As if being a black is a crime. Some smart one already gave me a suggestion to use fairness cream and some beauty tips to become fairer. I don’t know why Nepali are so obsessed with fairness although all most half of the country is brown. We can say we all Nepalese are brown in comparison with white Europeans and American world.

         However, I find Nepalese society so racist. We never think seriously why only fair is lovely, not black? Why is an advertisement of fairness cream increasing day by day? Why those advertisements always link fairness and beauty? Beauty is so subjective thing. I cannot say only white Angelina Joly is beautiful. For me, Lupita Neong'o is as beautiful as Angelina. Beauty is a subjective thing I already said. But in this brown country, we are searching for white beauty.  What an irony? Sometimes I am amused by our advertisement industry. They link fairness with confident and blackness with low self-esteem. Skin color has nothing to do with confidence. But our advertisement industry forcing the young generation towards forceful fairness although our heart is brown.

         I never think our society as racist as those societies where racism is supposed to be in existence. Still, I encounter many questions only because I am darker than others. In one interview Arundhati Roy shared her feelings like this, “ I was the worst thing a girl could be: thin, black and clever.” Here in our society too sometimes I realize why she told that. Because each day we are forced to be fairer. We can see the effect of these things in our small kids. Even they take black skin as ugly although they are unknown what really beauty means. And some of the teenagers apply a thick layer of fairness cream in early age because they want to be as white as others. Some people can argue this is all about personal choice. But I cannot take it only a personal choice. In fact, fairness is all about the western concept of beauty. So, why are we obsessed with fairness? Indeed we all are brown, we have a brown heart, brown South Asian heart.

Unimagined Journey

When I think about a teacher I always remember this quotation, “ When a teacher is in the lowest point he\she becomes a tutor and if  the teacher is in the highest point he\she becomes a mentor.” And this is the first thing which comes to my mind when I think about the teacher. I don’t know what makes a teacher good what not. But teaching profession has never been so different to me as a daughter of two teachers. However, I never think of being a teacher even in my most bizarre fantasy. I think this is all about those people who don’t want to be like their parents. I am one of them.

Recently I have started the teaching career. I think it is all about default. Or I don’t know it is all about destiny or something else. Now I am a teacher. Teacher of children to whom study is not something interesting like movie, song or any interesting game. They are cheerful at the same time very restless. The first week when I started teaching I used to feel as if I lost my own self. As a creative being, I want some time with myself and I always wanted to have my workplace very silent and cozy. But in school, I had to cope with the very noisy environment. And that was the thing which was making me very uncomfortable. At the same time, I was in a dilemma whether my choice of being a teacher is good or not. Because it is not that thing which I like to do.

I always have love hate relationship with the teaching profession. Because teaching is something which made me like this. Which shaped me. It is something which fulfilled my necessities in each step of my life. And I always feel now what I am is all because of my teachers. In a way, they shaped me as a person. But at the same time, it's  so difficult to work in that environment which is so uncomfortable.  Similarly, it’s very hard to do that thing which you don’t like to do.

Each person has their own personality.  I think my personality doesn't suit teaching. Similarly, I don’t want to be a typical teacher which demands some kind arrogance and rigidity. But it’s hard to be different in each profession.These days when I think about the life I consider it only a journey. Nothing more nothing less. 

यथार्थ

हिजो देखेका सपनाहरु
आज मात्र इतिहास बनेर
उभ्भिएका छ्न मेरा अगाडी
म नतमस्तक बनेर हेरिरहेछु
खसिरहेको आशाको पर्वतलाई.........
अरुको इतिहास कती सजिलै छिचोलिदिन्छौं
र सम्झिदिन्छौं
तर आफ्नै मौन इतिहास
बेलाबखत पिरोल्छ आफैंलाई!
सपनाको मानचित्रले
आफ्नै कक्षलाई नाघेर अरु कसैको संघारमा पुगेको बेला
म तिनै मौन इतिहासको
विष्मृतिमा  पुग्ने गर्छु....
 आज पात झरेर नाङ्गो भएको रुखझैं
बाटो विर्सिएर अर्कैको गन्तव्यमा पुगेको यात्रीझैं
यथार्थको अर्कै कोलाज मा पुगेको छु
र हरदम आफ्नै प्रतिविम्वमा
अरु कसैलाई देखिरहेछु ।