"Honesty is the Best policy"

It is easy to write about your own experiences but at the same time, it is difficult, to be honest. It is difficult to portray very personal experience on a  public platform. It needs guts. Although, it is all about the process of being honest. I think it’s a beautiful thing. Indeed, honesty is the best policy.

          Today, as always, I am walking with the same motto  “honesty is the best policy.”  Most of my close relatives and friends are quite familiar with my unfamiliar nature that is I am so bad with those things which are called social one.  I never feel comfortable in public gathering and functions. So, most of the time I feel very uncomfortable to talk about social institution because I consider myself very unsocial one. However, today I am going to talk about a social institution that is about marriage because I thought that I should talk about it.

          I don’t know how sociology and anthropology define marriage although I have been the student of them. Maybe they take it as a social institution. Maybe may not be. I am not sure. But my take on it is  purely personal one. Purely individual one. Well, I was thinking to write about it for a long time but I already said it needs courage. Finally, today I feel that I can write about it.

          When you became 25 the most common question people ask you is “when you are getting married?” It is more common in case of women as if you have nothing to do except it. I am writing this because of my experience. And the funniest thing is to see their reactions. They react like your life is worthless because you are single. Sometimes I am quite surprised to see their reactions.

          Recently hajurama told me, “Aba ta pani love gar, sabaile love garera bihe garisake.” Then I said, “ Ma ta bihe nagarne” I was in a very light mood and reacted like this but for her, marriage is everything because she never sees life beyond this. But for me the thing is different. I cannot see my life just for marriage. From childhood, my perception about marriage is different. I never see myself as marriage material. The main reason behind is that I wasn’t like that girl who was supposed to be easily likable. I wasn’t a pretty one, who was the star among relatives and friends. I was out of the box in every category. Maybe that is the reason, I never thought that one day prince will come and take me in far dreamland. I never take marriage in that way. From childhood, I have been rereading this institution from a very different perspective. Sometimes as an outsider, sometimes as a very critical and cynical thinker.

          Now, everyone says that I am in the marriageable age. But I don’t what is the right age. However, as always I become quite cynical when I think about it. Everyone says it’s the beginning of a new life. Although I always found this very complex institution because still, marriage is more about ownership rather than partnership especially in case of women. I have seen many wonderful ladies around me who left everything, wonderful career, many dreams just to save this institution. But it is wonderful if it is all about partnership rather than ownership.

          Again I am going to wrap up with my own point of view. As a woman,  I got a wonderful father, brother, and friends in my life. I feel fortunate enough because I am nothing without them.  Believe me, I am not anti-male.   But I don’t know why I found this institution a little bit odd one. Problematic one. Little bit regressive one. Maybe it is all about my misconception.

Last Year

It’s already 8^th of  Baisakha and I still, cannot go away from the hangover of 2074. Time never goes back.....but sometimes it can be. Still, I am living with 2074 and yet this feeling has refused to go away. So, I am going to talk about 2074, the year which has given me many memories to remember and many lessons to learn.

            Last year this time I was in Gorkha. So, I want to start with Gorkha. Now I am remembering those days in Khadka gaun especially those last days when we were about to return back. I would never forget the love, respect and everything which I  got and learned from there. And I always think 2074 is special because of Gorkha memories. Memories are nothing without people and their stories. Jasper, Bikesh Dai, Freya, Daisy, Hardika,  Bhawana, Hannah, Saroj, Radip, Daniel, Michael these are the wonderful people who made 2074 very memorable. Jasper! I learned many things from you, especially how to be nonjudgemental. And I realized we can be friends although we have pretty different personalities and backgrounds because of you. Bikes dai! I learned many things from your personality, especially how to be silent at the same time very productive and constructive for the work. These days I am trying to work like you. Freya, by seeing you I realized being different makes the world interesting. I want to be an avid reader like you.  Daisy, I consider you the most intelligent member of our group, it’s my pleasure I got chance to work with you. Hardika, I love your confidence. If I can I would like to be as confident and as assertive as you but I know I cannot. Bhawana, Saroj and Radip, you people gave me the respect and love like my brother and sister. I feel lucky because I met you. Hannah, Daniel, I want to be as hardworking as you.

            In 2074, after completing my ICS journey I returned back Kathmandu with lots of confidence and hope. At that time I thought that ICS experience gives me many platforms to work with the international organizations. Then, I applied for both VSO and Raleigh team leader. Also, I applied for UN- Women intern and for other organization. Unfortunately, I did not get any platforms. I think I was free almost 2 months. Those two months were challenging but not so much frustrating. At least I had little bit hope. Then, I started teaching because I wanted to be independent both emotionally and financially. But teaching has never been my dream job so at that time I felt that  I fall down in a different world.  The world where I never imagine one day I would be there. In teaching, everything was new to me although I am the daughter of two teachers who passed their entire life talking about teaching and education. I think the first two-three months of my teaching were the most difficult and frustrating phase of my life. At that time I used to think each day is a new challenge. Those days were very difficult in terms of many things. That was the time when I suddenly lose my confidence, hope, university hangover everything which I had before. And the realization I am not good for it although you came from that background where you never felt these kinds of experience is very unbearable. However, this kind of experience teaches you many things in terms of personal development and professional too. Now when I think about it I realize we human being need some kind of motivation and inspiration in our life to go further. And we need to revisit the past to learn from our own weakness and strength.

This is all about my 2074 journey. I hope 2075 will be more fruitful in terms of my personal and professional growth.  I am equally thankful to the people I encountered and the stories I heard in 2074.

Dream

“Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes”  this is my favorite quotation so far. But sometimes it’s hard to articulate what we really feel. I think I am not good in speaking. So, writing has always been a very good medium to express. Today, I am going to talk about a dream. It’s a very slippery word, it makes you fall down many times. So does with me. Sometimes I think it is the greatest irony to talk about dreams. It’s a ridiculous thing. But I am doing this ridiculous thing.

Last time my small school kids asked me, “Ma’am what was your dream when you were like us?” And next one said,” She wanted to be a teacher so she is here.” That was a very difficult moment. I think the most difficult one. I did not want to tell lie but at the same time, I could not tell truth too. As usual, I smiled and said  I love books so I am here to teach you. I couldn't tell them the reality because I always tell them to follow your dream and do what you love. In a way, I don’t want to see my children doing those things what they do not want to do like our generation. We are bound to surrender with many other realities before our dreams. But  I don’t want to see their failures.

 Finally, I am jumping into the main topic that is a dream. The dream is that thing which you aspire for, which you want to do, which you love to do. I think it’s a beautiful word but very slippery in its action. I think I am not wrong by telling dream changes according to time. But dreams are dreams. You have always guilty if you don’t follow dreams. At least you need to try it once without thinking about failures. Like my small school kids, I too had dreams. Still, I have. When I was a child,  I wanted to be a newsreader. At that time NTV was the only national tv chanal of Nepal. And we use to follow a lot. At that time Rama Singh was probably one of the influential news readers. So, as a child, I wanted to be like her. She was the greatest aspiration to me at that time. Even after finishing my SLC I studied journalism because I wanted to be like her. I think that was my first dream. Now, I don’t have guilt and regret because at least I tried to follow it. Time changed the way I perceive the world is very different now. My aspirations are different. Now what I aspire is very different than that time. But somehow it’s very hard to say I am following my own dream here in Nepal. We need to think about many other basic things before our dreams. Now I have more inclination with the creative world, the world where I can express my stories in a creative way because stories are always my inspiration. In fact, I want to navigate the world with my own stories. I like to tell my stories because I strongly believe, Mira Nair's statement, “If we don’t tell our own stories no one else will tell.”

As a woman sometimes I feel we have many challenges to follow our dreams. Sometimes the family expectation is so different it can be challenging. But, financial independence is the first, foremost thing that always makes you more confident to meet your own expectation. I think I am quite lucky enough in this case because my parents never forced me to do a particular thing. They liberate me to be a freethinker and allow me to navigate the world on my own terms. They respect both my weakness and strength. And because of them I always feel I am the master of my life. I always celebrate my uniqueness like my unique dreams. So, keep on believing in your dream  although it can be slippery

समग्रता

जम्नु........
पग्लनु......
फेरी बग्नु.........
यथार्थको रसायनबाट म भागिरहन सक्दिन
कथाझैं....
कविताझैं....
चित्रझैं....
 सायद जीवनका एक्ला एक्ला आयामहरुझैं
म पत्रपत्र जिउँदैछु ।
 मूल्याङ्कनको समुच्च आधारशिविरमा
म नभेट्टिन सक्छु
भेट्टिएपनी एक्लिन सक्छु
तिमीले मलाई बेवास्था गर्न सक्छौ
नबोल्न सक्छौ
आरोपहरु लगाउँन सक्छौ
कमजोरीहरु औल्याउन सक्छौ
म नियम र बन्धनहरुमा रमाउन्न
 मलाई थाहा छ
समग्रताको जादुवी रंगहरुभन्दा म थेरै पर छु
धेरै पर...............
 त्यसैले जम्छु, पग्लन्छु अनि फेरी बग्छु ।

सहर

मनिसहरु भन्छन् यो सपनाको सहर हो
सायद ठिकै भन्छ्न्
बादलले भरिएको आकाश
धुलोले भरिएको सडक
र मेरा धमिला आखाँहरुलाई
सपना देख्न सिकाउने सहर यही हो ।

अन्तद्वन्दका अग्लाअग्ला पर्खालहरु
आकांक्षाका फराकिला होडिङबोडहरु
 तिम्ले र मैले
संगालेका प्रेमिल क्षणहरुको
साक्षी हो यो सहर ..............

सायद लेखेर पनि अलिखित
बोलेर पनि मौन
अथवा समयको कुनै परिधिमा अट्न असफल यो सहर
हुनसक्छ हाम्रा सफेद कथाहरुको
रंगिन परिभाषा हो ।

आज सहर मौन छ
जस्तो कि तिमी र म
र हाम्रा सपनाहरु...............
तर के मौनाता आवाजविहिनता हो र ?
अनी प्रेम मात्र सम्बन्ध ?
सायद........
सहरको परिभाषा सहर नै जान्दछ
जस्तो कि प्रेमको .....................
प्रेम नै ।

Neither I Connect it only with Money nor only with Power

When I think about education, the first thing which comes to my mind is I am nothing without it. I cannot imagine my life without reading books and writing something only for myself even in my bizarre fantasy. People connect education with many things with the position they hold after getting an education, the money they earn because of education, the freedom they get because of education etc. They have their own dictionary and theory about education. But for me, education is that thing which liberated me from every dimension. Neither I  connect it only with money nor only with power. You may think why she is only talking about what she thinks about education. But today is my graduation day so I have the hudge thinking about education early in the morning.  And in a way, I don’t want to suppress it. So, I am not just thinking I am writing also.

Like every middle class, for my family also being educated means being more powerful. I think I am privileged enough my parents never forced me to get those types of degrees which have more career options and more money. My parents never told me education is about money. Mostly we don’t talk about money and education together. For them, I am graduate, my brother is doing master’s that means a lot. Sometimes when I think about them my eyes fill with tears. They liberate me in any sense. So, I always tell my friends I never seek inspiration outside because my family is always there to inspire me. My mom has always been the great inspiration to me. How she got the education is always been the great story of inspiration to me. And my father’s decision to send her again school after 10 years is that thing which inspires me to be a better person like him. Maybe because of my mother’s story I value education more. Maybe my father’s decision to send her school.

Today early in the morning my father called me and said:”Please capture more photo.” At that time I felt that it’s not my convocation today is my parent’s convocation. They are more excited than me. They are excited because they value education. They are excited because they know what education means. Sometimes we discuss about education from very narrow perspective. We only connect it either with money or power. As if degree means money giving machine. We hardly talk about the real meaning of education. As an educated human being how critical we are, how we take morality and ethics, how we stand with everything comes in our way. These things hardly become discourse in a larger platform. Sometimes I feel that in Nepal education is all about popular culture. People are getting degrees because everyone is getting degrees. Neither they are critical of themselves nor they know what is the real meaning of education. But in a sense it is good at least they are educated and they have some skills.

I don’t know my opinion feet in all the cases or not. But I don’t connect education only with money or power. Yes, we need money. However, education is not only about money. Education liberates you. It makes you free. It makes you liberal. It gives you dignity. It makes you better human being. Education is not only skill, it is more about making you a better person. And today, I am very much grateful to all my amazing teachers from elementary school to university. They gave me confidence. They gave me dignity.  They gave me a freedom to be myself. And my parents, who made me free from all the gender restrictions, from all the financial problem and always said me just you read then only we will be happy and treated me as if  I am the most intellectual girl of the world although I know I lack many things.

Celebrate the Emptiness Rather Than Cursing it.........

It’s burning hot outside. I can take a shower or I can go swimming. But I am here inside my bedroom because I want to write. But I don’t know what to write or what to tell. I know I want to tell. But I don’t know what  I want to tell. I am empty. I am empty and clean as paper before the poem.

Why don’t we talk about emptiness? Maybe you think I am sad. But I am not.  I am happy so I want to talk about emptiness. If I am not I don’t want to because I can’t write with problems and tensions. Buddhism defines it in this way, “Form is emptiness, emptiness is form.” I don’t know what it means but I find it quite interesting.

Similarly, I found one interesting quote about emptiness. Ratna Suzuki says, “I have poured my heart out...... And now I am empty.” Likewise, Dejan Stojanovic defines emptiness,” If emptiness is endless, then everything rests in emptiness.” I am also so close to his idea about emptiness because I also feel somehow we are trying to avoid emptiness in life but at the same time, we are living in emptiness. So, without avoiding it why don’t we celebrate it.

Most of the time when if we tell someone I am empty. He\she takes it as sadness or not in a positive way. But it’s good to be empty sometimes. At least, it gives some space for self-realization. The realization of reality.  And reality about life. I always found the ending paragraph of Blue Mimosa very interesting. In the paragraph, Suyogbir explains the emptiness of life in this way, “Within the glass, I see two deep dark eyes. I see a shorn head. I drink I am content. My own fingers have become yellow with nicotine. I often look at them and I am content. Bari does not exist and I recall that here, love does not exist either. I am living in an absurd world and, I always acknowledge, I am living in a great void. Most of the people define it tragic but I found it more positive than tragic. In a way, he is living realizing that bitter fact. So, he is celebrating emptiness.

Sometimes I feel every idea comes with or germinates with some kind of emptiness. We cannot realize the reality in a mess of ideas or with a large jumble of opinionated people. Sometimes we need that silent and empty space where we can realize ourselves. In fact, We realize that nothingness which gives us somehow the futility of everyday conflict. It’s a very good space to be nobody. Because in everyday life we are surrounded and exploited with our own multiple identities. With our own egos.  And with that intellectuality where we have to behave in a certain way. But emptiness is an escape from all these egos and identities where we can celebrate our insanity, insecurity and we can dance with our unsung self. So, let's celebrate the emptiness rather than cursing it.....................