Like many other lower-middle-class Nepali family, my own family has many expectations with me. I am the first University graduate of my family. As a University graduate, they expect more from me. Sometimes these loathe expectations make me panic. However, I have my own expectation with myself. As a modern Nepali woman, I want to be independent. Both financially and emotionally. But it’s hard to be independent here in Nepal if you want to follow the good path. No one gives you any opportunity if you are not there in favor of any people or political influence. While doing graduation in university, I used to feel I can get good opportunities after graduation. But these days what I am facing is not only the problem of me but a problem of lots of my friends. Some of my friends who were so good in study, so hardworking they are still jobless. However, those who never submitted their assignment in time never wrote research paper own self those are in good positions. It makes me angry not only with myself but also with the whole system of the country.
I have completed my master's degree last September including the thesis. Now I have certificates but I don’t have an opportunity. Yesterday I was checking my email, I noticed I have sent more than hundred job applications but I have hardly ten replies. And I had given interview not only for more than seven or eight organizations. And those organization where I have given interview all are international organizations. Nowadays I apply but I never expect any reply from any national organization. Because I feel that these vacancies are not for me that might be already supposed position for anyone in their favour.
Last February, I joined Raleigh for volunteering because I wanted to contribute something for the country and wanted to explore my own possibilities. And I think that volunteering experience made me a different person. I understood more about Nepali belief about volunteering. People behaved us like we didn’t have anything only we were there for translation for Uk volunteers. The most surprising thing is that they behaved us so differently when they knew we were unpaid. After realizing the behavior of community members what we felt at the movement I can't express in words. The community members never realized that we are like their daughters, sisters and were there to contribute to the community. And we do have our own ideas about anything under the sun. Sometimes we Nepali volunteers were so demotivated because of the community itself because their behavior with UK volunteers was so different than us. Nowadays I can realize it’s hard to do anything in the country like Nepal. And day by day people are becoming so materialistic and money minded. People adore you even if you are billionaire doing smuggling but they never adore your goodness. I think ICS experience is life changing experience for me. It made me realize still there is feudalism in our country, especially in a local level. What I found is still there is domination of those who have little bit power in the community. Even in the queue of public tap also there is domination of so- called haves. And what I observed and realize is everywhere people judge you by your skin color rather than your inner virtues. Again coming into the main point, I have completed ICS in this April. It’s been a month I am free. Sometimes I feel so acquired saying still I am free. Although I am trying my best to engage. But opportunity never knocks you. We have to knock the opportunity. Nowadays people ask me what is next? I don’t know what will be the next.
Sometimes it’s hard to make people understood about what is a university for? I believe that the university is not for jobs only. People do have their own impression about the university. Sometimes my own friends who have so negative impression about Tribhuvan University from where I graduated. However, I cannot express in words what I learned and got from CDE. Although, it has some basic problem in management what I learned from the university environment and teachers is always beyond my expectation. Sometimes friends say me you are more emotional than professional. Last time when I had to give a speech on women’s day, some of my friends told I was emotional, they gave a comment that doesn't be emotional while giving a speech. But while giving a speech I was unable to hide my own reality as a young Nepali woman and what I observed some of the discrimination and I faced being a woman. I can't hide my own identity in professional works too. I don’t know it’s good or not. Nowadays I realize there is both pros and cons being a woman. Sometimes you can get more sympathy, more helps, more attention (if you are good looking) and more opportunity because you are a woman. But on the other hand, sometimes people can judge you by your skin color or body structure than your potentiality because you are a woman. Sometimes my own relatives say me you can't do these things because you are so lean and thin that and those........ And believe me, they never believe that I can do something except reading. I was always an outside since childhood because they never said me expect to eat more and saying you are black you are small how we search guy for you. So in many cases, I feel there are lots of disadvantages being a woman. Sometimes I feel lucky because I never got any unnecessary attention and extra preference only being not so good looking woman. I consider myself totally self-made person. And it’s very hard in a country like Nepal where most of the opportunities are only for those preferred people.
These days sometimes “What is next?” haunts me. I don't able to plan anything. I just want to welcome anything that comes in my hand. Last time one of my Foreign friends asked me, “Why don,t you follow your own dreams? Don’t do those things which you don’t like to do” I told her, “ it's very hard to do these things in a country like Nepal because opportunities are so limited here. Frankly saying, I don’t have time to wait next few years to work in that area where I like to do because I already crossed twenty. And nepotism and favoritism are so prevalent here it’s hard to even find a single job without the back force of anyone. I haven’t anyone or I don’t want to follow that path so I am jobless.” My answer amused her because her society is totally different than mine. She can do those things which she likes to do. She can follow her dreams. But here It’s hard to follow the dreams. It’s hard to get an opportunity. Sometimes I think the world is so diverse and discriminatory because I was born in Nepal so my own world is so limited. I have to be courageous even to say I only do those things what I like to do.
एउटा पर्खाल भत्किनुपर्ने थियो
तिम्रोलागी मैले केहि शब्दहरु रचेँ
Is it punishment is better or love for a child? This question haunts me terribly these days. In these three months, I have many lows and highs. Sometimes I feel as if I am in the heaven because I am with children. Sometimes I feel as if I am in the hell because they are very restless. As a teacher, I have to teach them anyway because this is my duty. I cannot say because this child is very naughty so I am unable to make him/ her understand. I cannot say this child is slow learner so he/she cannot learn. These are my challenge, not students'. But sometimes it's hard to manage the class. Because children can be cruel. However, we teachers cannot be cruel only because they are cruel.
When I think about a teacher I always remember this quotation, “ When a teacher is in the lowest point he\she becomes a tutor and if the teacher is in the highest point he\she becomes a mentor.” And this is the first thing which comes to my mind when I think about the teacher. I don’t know what makes a teacher good what not. But teaching profession has never been so different to me as a daughter of two teachers. However, I never think of being a teacher even in my most bizarre fantasy. I think this is all about those people who don’t want to be like their parents. I am one of them. 
हिजो देखेका सपनाहरु
Like many other lower-middle-class Nepali family, my own family has many expectations with me. I am the first University graduate of my family. As a University graduate, they expect more from me. Sometimes these loathe expectations make me panic. However, I have my own expectation with myself. As a modern Nepali woman, I want to be independent. Both financially and emotionally. But it’s hard to be independent here in Nepal if you want to follow the good path. No one gives you any opportunity if you are not there in favor of any people or political influence. While doing graduation in university, I used to feel I can get good opportunities after graduation. But these days what I am facing is not only the problem of me but a problem of lots of my friends. Some of my friends who were so good in study, so hardworking they are still jobless. However, those who never submitted their assignment in time never wrote research paper own self those are in good positions. It makes me angry not only with myself but also with the whole system of the country.