सहर

मनिसहरु भन्छन् यो सपनाको सहर हो
सायद ठिकै भन्छ्न्
बादलले भरिएको आकाश
धुलोले भरिएको सडक
र मेरा धमिला आखाँहरुलाई
सपना देख्न सिकाउने सहर यही हो ।

अन्तद्वन्दका अग्लाअग्ला पर्खालहरु
आकांक्षाका फराकिला होडिङबोडहरु
 तिम्ले र मैले
संगालेका प्रेमिल क्षणहरुको
साक्षी हो यो सहर ..............

सायद लेखेर पनि अलिखित
बोलेर पनि मौन
अथवा समयको कुनै परिधिमा अट्न असफल यो सहर
हुनसक्छ हाम्रा सफेद कथाहरुको
रंगिन परिभाषा हो ।

आज सहर मौन छ
जस्तो कि तिमी र म
र हाम्रा सपनाहरु...............
तर के मौनाता आवाजविहिनता हो र ?
अनी प्रेम मात्र सम्बन्ध ?
सायद........
सहरको परिभाषा सहर नै जान्दछ
जस्तो कि प्रेमको .....................
प्रेम नै ।

Neither I Connect it only with Money nor only with Power

When I think about education, the first thing which comes to my mind is I am nothing without it. I cannot imagine my life without reading books and writing something only for myself even in my bizarre fantasy. People connect education with many things with the position they hold after getting an education, the money they earn because of education, the freedom they get because of education etc. They have their own dictionary and theory about education. But for me, education is that thing which liberated me from every dimension. Neither I  connect it only with money nor only with power. You may think why she is only talking about what she thinks about education. But today is my graduation day so I have the hudge thinking about education early in the morning.  And in a way, I don’t want to suppress it. So, I am not just thinking I am writing also.

Like every middle class, for my family also being educated means being more powerful. I think I am privileged enough my parents never forced me to get those types of degrees which have more career options and more money. My parents never told me education is about money. Mostly we don’t talk about money and education together. For them, I am graduate, my brother is doing master’s that means a lot. Sometimes when I think about them my eyes fill with tears. They liberate me in any sense. So, I always tell my friends I never seek inspiration outside because my family is always there to inspire me. My mom has always been the great inspiration to me. How she got the education is always been the great story of inspiration to me. And my father’s decision to send her again school after 10 years is that thing which inspires me to be a better person like him. Maybe because of my mother’s story I value education more. Maybe my father’s decision to send her school.

Today early in the morning my father called me and said:”Please capture more photo.” At that time I felt that it’s not my convocation today is my parent’s convocation. They are more excited than me. They are excited because they value education. They are excited because they know what education means. Sometimes we discuss about education from very narrow perspective. We only connect it either with money or power. As if degree means money giving machine. We hardly talk about the real meaning of education. As an educated human being how critical we are, how we take morality and ethics, how we stand with everything comes in our way. These things hardly become discourse in a larger platform. Sometimes I feel that in Nepal education is all about popular culture. People are getting degrees because everyone is getting degrees. Neither they are critical of themselves nor they know what is the real meaning of education. But in a sense it is good at least they are educated and they have some skills.

I don’t know my opinion feet in all the cases or not. But I don’t connect education only with money or power. Yes, we need money. However, education is not only about money. Education liberates you. It makes you free. It makes you liberal. It gives you dignity. It makes you better human being. Education is not only skill, it is more about making you a better person. And today, I am very much grateful to all my amazing teachers from elementary school to university. They gave me confidence. They gave me dignity.  They gave me a freedom to be myself. And my parents, who made me free from all the gender restrictions, from all the financial problem and always said me just you read then only we will be happy and treated me as if  I am the most intellectual girl of the world although I know I lack many things.

Celebrate the Emptiness Rather Than Cursing it.........

It’s burning hot outside. I can take a shower or I can go swimming. But I am here inside my bedroom because I want to write. But I don’t know what to write or what to tell. I know I want to tell. But I don’t know what  I want to tell. I am empty. I am empty and clean as paper before the poem.

Why don’t we talk about emptiness? Maybe you think I am sad. But I am not.  I am happy so I want to talk about emptiness. If I am not I don’t want to because I can’t write with problems and tensions. Buddhism defines it in this way, “Form is emptiness, emptiness is form.” I don’t know what it means but I find it quite interesting.

Similarly, I found one interesting quote about emptiness. Ratna Suzuki says, “I have poured my heart out...... And now I am empty.” Likewise, Dejan Stojanovic defines emptiness,” If emptiness is endless, then everything rests in emptiness.” I am also so close to his idea about emptiness because I also feel somehow we are trying to avoid emptiness in life but at the same time, we are living in emptiness. So, without avoiding it why don’t we celebrate it.

Most of the time when if we tell someone I am empty. He\she takes it as sadness or not in a positive way. But it’s good to be empty sometimes. At least, it gives some space for self-realization. The realization of reality.  And reality about life. I always found the ending paragraph of Blue Mimosa very interesting. In the paragraph, Suyogbir explains the emptiness of life in this way, “Within the glass, I see two deep dark eyes. I see a shorn head. I drink I am content. My own fingers have become yellow with nicotine. I often look at them and I am content. Bari does not exist and I recall that here, love does not exist either. I am living in an absurd world and, I always acknowledge, I am living in a great void. Most of the people define it tragic but I found it more positive than tragic. In a way, he is living realizing that bitter fact. So, he is celebrating emptiness.

Sometimes I feel every idea comes with or germinates with some kind of emptiness. We cannot realize the reality in a mess of ideas or with a large jumble of opinionated people. Sometimes we need that silent and empty space where we can realize ourselves. In fact, We realize that nothingness which gives us somehow the futility of everyday conflict. It’s a very good space to be nobody. Because in everyday life we are surrounded and exploited with our own multiple identities. With our own egos.  And with that intellectuality where we have to behave in a certain way. But emptiness is an escape from all these egos and identities where we can celebrate our insanity, insecurity and we can dance with our unsung self. So, let's celebrate the emptiness rather than cursing it.....................

पर्खाल

एउटा पर्खाल भत्किनुपर्ने  थियो
जसरी भत्किन्छन् आवेगहरु
आवाज बनेर..........
जसरी निस्कन्छ्न् भावनाहरु
आँसु बनेर...........
सायद भत्किनुपर्ने थियो
मौनताको पर्खाल
शून्यताको पर्खाल
स्थिरताको पर्खाल
तिम्रो हृदयको पर्खाल........
मेरो निशब्दताको पर्खाल..............
सायद......... भत्कनुपर्ने थियो
बिडम्बना भत्किएन ।

सम्बन्ध

तिम्रोलागी मैले केहि शब्दहरु रचेँ
र आफैंले मेटिदिएं
कोर्नु र मेट्नुको पिडा
आमालाई सोध!
आज सम्बन्धको धरातल फेरिएको छ
चाहेरै पनि म ति शब्दहरु कोर्न सक्दिन्
र रङ्गाउँन सक्दिन्
हृदयको सानो क्यानभाषमा.....
निशब्दता........  मौनता
अथवा....... शून्यता
वा अरु केहि
यस्तै.... यस्तैको कोलाजमा
कही कतै तिमी भेटिन्छौ
लाग्छ तिम्रो र
मेरो सम्बन्ध यही हो । 

Love Verses Punishment

              Is it punishment is better or love for a child? This question haunts me terribly these days. In these three months, I have many lows and highs. Sometimes I feel as if I am in the heaven because I am with children. Sometimes I feel as if I am in the hell because they are very restless.  As a teacher, I have to teach them anyway because this is my duty. I cannot say because this child is very naughty so I am unable to make him/ her understand. I cannot say this child is slow learner so he/she cannot learn. These are my challenge, not students'. But sometimes it's hard to manage the class. Because children can be cruel. However, we teachers cannot be cruel only because they are cruel.

             I always have some kind of respect to them as my students. I believe, they do have some kind dignity as a student like me as a teacher. And they deserve love and respect. But in a class, we found the different category of students as a human being. Some are very extrovert, some are very introvert and some are very restless. As a teacher, we have to meet the expectation of all those students. Also, we have to give them that space where they can be themselves.  Sometimes I feel that our education system wants to produce the same kind of category of student. We do not respect different capacities of different students. We want all the student academically same. But it’s not possible because they are different human beings and they expect different things. And they have different dreams. And the same problem I see in the parents too.  Most of the parents want to see their child doctor, engineer and so on. Only those profession which is taken as so-called best one.

            As a student, I never got any punishment in my entire academic life because I am from a very normal public school where children hardly get puni
shment. I don’t know my teachers were best for me or not. But I feel so fortunate because they gave me that warm space where I can be myself.  So, I want to give that space to my children too. Because somehow that makes us so close and connected with our educational institute. And today when I think about myself  I feel nothing without my teachers because they not only gave me knowledge but they made me better human being. They gave me unconditional love. They gave me unconditional confident.  However, that thing which I feel privileged because of them is that they gave me the freedom to be myself.

           Although the same kind of treatment is not good for all the students because they are different. Some children we found academically challenging. Some are behaviourally challenging. And some are very introvert even we never notice them.  But they all are our student and as a teacher, we have to respect all of their characteristics. So these days sometimes I  am confused whether punishment is good or love. Some children we can handle only with polite word, love, and affection. But some need some verbal punishments. I don’t know punishment  is good or not. But sometimes I also give those students verbal punishment just to manage my class. But when I  went home most of the time I felt bad because I gave them punishment. Personally, I don’t want to give them punishment. I think love, affection, care are more powerful than punishment.

         I always feel love is powerful than punishment although when I cannot manage my class with polite words so that sometimes I feel I am wrong.  But my concern is that if we treat them rudely than how they become polite. How they understand cruelty is bad? How they realize I am doing wrong?  These questions are hunting me badly I don’t know when I will get answer.

Fairness Obsession

            When I encounter with my relatives most of the time they give me suggestion to apply fairness cream on my skin. My small school kids many times ask me, “Maam are u from Africa? Why you are so black?.” As if being a black is a crime. Some smart one already gave me a suggestion to use fairness cream and some beauty tips to become fairer. I don’t know why Nepali are so obsessed with fairness although all most half of the country is brown. We can say we all Nepalese are brown in comparison with white Europeans and American world.

         However, I find Nepalese society so racist. We never think seriously why only fair is lovely, not black? Why is an advertisement of fairness cream increasing day by day? Why those advertisements always link fairness and beauty? Beauty is so subjective thing. I cannot say only white Angelina Joly is beautiful. For me, Lupita Neong'o is as beautiful as Angelina. Beauty is a subjective thing I already said. But in this brown country, we are searching for white beauty.  What an irony? Sometimes I am amused by our advertisement industry. They link fairness with confident and blackness with low self-esteem. Skin color has nothing to do with confidence. But our advertisement industry forcing the young generation towards forceful fairness although our heart is brown.

         I never think our society as racist as those societies where racism is supposed to be in existence. Still, I encounter many questions only because I am darker than others. In one interview Arundhati Roy shared her feelings like this, “ I was the worst thing a girl could be: thin, black and clever.” Here in our society too sometimes I realize why she told that. Because each day we are forced to be fairer. We can see the effect of these things in our small kids. Even they take black skin as ugly although they are unknown what really beauty means. And some of the teenagers apply a thick layer of fairness cream in early age because they want to be as white as others. Some people can argue this is all about personal choice. But I cannot take it only a personal choice. In fact, fairness is all about the western concept of beauty. So, why are we obsessed with fairness? Indeed we all are brown, we have a brown heart, brown South Asian heart.