यथार्थ

हिजो देखेका सपनाहरु
आज मात्र इतिहास बनेर
उभ्भिएका छ्न मेरा अगाडी
म नतमस्तक बनेर हेरिरहेछु
खसिरहेको आशाको पर्वतलाई.........
अरुको इतिहास कती सजिलै छिचोलिदिन्छौं
र सम्झिदिन्छौं
तर आफ्नै मौन इतिहास
बेलाबखत पिरोल्छ आफैंलाई!
सपनाको मानचित्रले
आफ्नै कक्षलाई नाघेर अरु कसैको संघारमा पुगेको बेला
म तिनै मौन इतिहासको
विष्मृतिमा  पुग्ने गर्छु....
 आज पात झरेर नाङ्गो भएको रुखझैं
बाटो विर्सिएर अर्कैको गन्तव्यमा पुगेको यात्रीझैं
यथार्थको अर्कै कोलाज मा पुगेको छु
र हरदम आफ्नै प्रतिविम्वमा
अरु कसैलाई देखिरहेछु ।

What is next????????...................Haunts me

            Like many other lower-middle-class Nepali family, my own family has many expectations with me. I am the first University graduate of my family. As a University graduate, they expect more from me. Sometimes these loathe expectations make me panic.  However, I have my own expectation with myself. As a modern Nepali woman, I want to be independent. Both financially and emotionally. But it’s hard to be independent here in Nepal if you want to follow the good path. No one gives you any opportunity if you are not there in favor of any people or political influence. While doing graduation in university, I used to feel I can get good opportunities after graduation. But these days what I am facing is not only the problem of me but a problem of lots of my friends. Some of my friends who were so good in study, so hardworking they are still jobless. However, those who never submitted their assignment in time never wrote research paper own self those are in good positions. It makes me angry not only with myself but also with the whole system of the country.

 I have completed my master's degree last September including the thesis. Now I have certificates but I don’t have an opportunity. Yesterday I was checking my email, I noticed I have sent more than hundred job applications but I have hardly ten replies. And I had given interview not only for more than seven or eight organizations. And those organization where I have given interview all are international organizations. Nowadays I apply but I never expect any reply from any national organization. Because I feel that these vacancies are not for me that might be already supposed position for anyone in their favour.

Last February, I joined Raleigh for volunteering because I wanted to contribute something for the country and wanted to explore my own possibilities. And I think that volunteering experience made me a different person. I understood more about Nepali belief about volunteering. People behaved us like we didn’t have anything only we were there for translation for Uk volunteers. The most surprising thing is that they behaved us so differently when they knew we were unpaid. After realizing the behavior of community members what we felt at the movement I can't express in words. The community members never realized that we are like their daughters, sisters and were there to contribute to the community. And we do have our own ideas about anything under the sun. Sometimes we Nepali volunteers were so demotivated because of the community itself because their behavior with UK volunteers was so different than us. Nowadays I can realize it’s hard to do anything in the country like Nepal. And day by day people are becoming so materialistic and money minded. People adore you even if you are billionaire doing smuggling but they never adore your goodness. I think ICS experience is life changing experience for me. It made me realize still there is feudalism in our country, especially in a local level. What I found is still there is domination of those who have little bit power in the community. Even in the queue of public tap also there is domination of so- called haves. And what I observed and realize is everywhere people judge you by your skin color rather than your inner virtues. Again coming into the main point, I have completed ICS in this April. It’s been a month I am free. Sometimes I feel so acquired saying still I am free. Although I am trying my best to engage. But opportunity never knocks you. We have to knock the opportunity. Nowadays people ask me what is next? I don’t know what will be the next.

Sometimes it’s hard to make people understood about what is a university for? I believe that the university is not for jobs only. People do have their own impression about the university. Sometimes my own friends who have so negative impression about Tribhuvan University from where I graduated. However, I cannot express in words what I learned and got from CDE. Although, it has some basic problem in management what I learned from the university environment and teachers is always beyond my expectation. Sometimes friends say me you are more emotional than professional. Last time when I had to give a speech on women’s day, some of my friends told I was emotional, they gave a comment that doesn't be emotional while giving a speech. But while giving a speech I was unable to hide my own reality as a young Nepali woman and what I observed some of the discrimination and I faced being a woman. I can't hide my own identity in professional works too. I don’t know it’s good or not. Nowadays I realize there is both pros and cons being a woman. Sometimes you can get more sympathy, more helps, more attention (if you are good looking) and more opportunity because you are a woman. But on the other hand, sometimes people can judge you by your skin color or body structure than your potentiality because you are a woman. Sometimes my own relatives say me you can't do these things because you are so lean and thin that and those........ And believe me, they never believe that I can do something except reading. I was always an outside since childhood because they never said me expect to eat more and saying you are black you are small how we search guy for you. So in many cases, I feel there are lots of disadvantages being a woman. Sometimes I feel lucky because I never got any unnecessary attention and extra preference only being not so good looking woman. I consider myself totally self-made person. And it’s very hard in a country like Nepal where most of the opportunities are only for those preferred people.

These days sometimes  “What is next?” haunts me. I don't able to plan anything. I just want to welcome anything that comes in my hand. Last time one of my Foreign friends asked me, “Why don,t you follow your own dreams? Don’t do those things which you don’t like to do” I told her, “ it's very hard to do these things in a country like Nepal because opportunities are so limited here. Frankly saying, I don’t have time to wait next few years to work in that area where I like to do because I already crossed twenty. And nepotism and favoritism are so prevalent here it’s hard to even find a single job without the back force of anyone. I haven’t anyone or I don’t want to follow that path so I am jobless.” My answer amused her because her society is totally different than mine. She can do those things which she likes to do. She can follow her dreams. But here It’s hard to follow the dreams. It’s hard to get an opportunity. Sometimes I think the world is so diverse and discriminatory because I was born in Nepal so my own world is so limited. I  have to be courageous even to say I only do those things what I like to do. 

Words From Himalayas

Neither I can describe it.

Nor I can paint it.

Only I wrote two words in my dairy long time ago.

Magical ................

Surreal......................

When I started to sketch it

I broke the tip of a pencil.

I only felt the rhythms, love, and respect.

Last time he asked me, “where are you from?”

I said, “I am from the valley of Himalayas.”

Again he asked me, “What is your identity?”

I said. “Please! Ask with rivers.

I am the moving reality.”

Sometimes you capture it in your own camera.

Sometimes you describe it in your own words.

Sometimes you romanticize it.

Sometimes you demonize it in your own screen.

But I am me.

And what is it?

Neither I can describe

Nor I can paint

Only two words are in my mind

Magical

Surreal.............................

Or you can paint with your own words.

It is the open canvas of beauty.

Life After ICS

There is silence everywhere. I can only hear the sound of rain. And every single drop of rain takes me right to the beginning. I can still feel that journey when I close my eyes.

I am talking about ICS journey. That journey which transformed me in many ways. It gave me a confidence. It gave me a sense of direction. It gave me a realization of achievement. It gave me a pleasure of giving. It broadened my horizon. It expanded my own school of thought. Indeed it made me a different person.

I joined ICS only to explore myself. Before ICS, I was a fresh university graduate. Although I didn’t have a clear perspective about anything under the sun. But three months ICS journey taught me many things especially how to work in a rural community. How to cope with a new culture. How to deal with the people whose background is totally different.  Now I can realize I got many things more than what I aspired for. The whole experience made me a different person. So, I take it as a life changing experience.

In the journey, I met eleven wonderful people. They taught me many things. It’s hard to summarize these lessons in words. Sometimes, it’s difficult to sum up in few words. I am feeling same today. All of them are fantastic individuals. That made our group more precious like a mosaic. When I think about them, it took me right back to start when we started our journey. Those twelve individuals who have pretty different backgrounds were there in a new place to challenge themselves to change their world. They inspired me a lot. They made me realize how to be proud of being oneself. Their stories also inspired me a lot because stories are always my inspiration. And throughout the cycle, I encountered with those kinds of stories which I have never heard before.

Now there is raining outside. I am reading all your notes. Here, there are no beautiful green and brown mountains like in a Khadka Gaun. Even, I cannot see the beautiful mountain range which we used to see every morning. Many days have passed but I am left with the same memories we had together. It makes me more nostalgic. Also, I realize the nature of time. Times goes so fast. However, these memories made me more strong. More clear about my future. More determined towards my dream. And I am remembering the same song we used to listen, “Follow follow the sun....................

स्मृतिमा तिमी

पर कतै क्षितिजबाट
आइरहेको छाँया
सायद तिमी नै पो हौ कि!
म हेरिरहेछु
मौनताको आदिम वस्तिबाट

हामी छुट्टिएका थियौं
कुनै दिन
घाम लागेर पनि बादल छाएको तिम्रो आँखामा
पहिलोपटक मैले
पिडाले घायल
सुन्दर मन भेटेको थिएँ ................

आज बसौं भएछ
म चाहेर पनि कोर्न सक्दिन्
शब्दहरुले तिम्रो आकृती
स्मृतिको संग्रालयमा
तिम्रो लागी जोगाएको
एउटा मुटु मात्र बाँकी छ

जब एक्ली हुन्छु
क्षितिजमा  देखिएका छाँयाहरु
तिमी नै पो हौ कि भन्ने लाग्छ
र हेरिरहन्छु.............
मात्र हेरिरहन्छु ...............


आज एउटा दुष्प्रयास गर्दैछु
कोर्दैछु तिम्रो आकृति
रेखाहरु बाङ्गो जानसक्छन्
आकृतिहरु  अपूर्ण बन्नसक्छन्
र चाहेरै पनि तिमी नबन्न सक्छौ

धेरै भएछ
तिमीलाई नदेखेको
स्मृतिहरु कमजोर हुँदैछ्न्
चाहेर पनि तिमी नबनाउँन सक्छु
माफ गर
आज बुढो स्मृतिले अपूर्ण चित्र कोर्दैछ । 

The Other

I am not in that society where we respect differences. I live in that society where being different is like a crime. There is no soft corner or warm space for those who are littlebit different from “so-called” normal. We love to hear same type of thoughts, we like to see same types of people, I don’t know what is the cause?  But our society loves linearity. It never gives respect to those who have a different thought, those who look different.

Sometimes when I see or analyze myself, I found myself the other. I do not look like what the girl expect to be looked like. I have brown skin, I am less than five fit, I am less than 40 kg, I am tiny than the normal. But I love my brown skin. It’s ridiculous when people say, “Why don’t you put lit bit powder in your face?” “Why not fairness cream?” I love my body shape. It’s boresome when people say “Why don’t you wear heels?” “Why don’t you eat more?” Really, these types of questions bother me. I have to love myself whatever I am. I have liberty to enjoy my life, being myself. But the culture of othering is widely prevalent in our culture too. Although I am unknown about the Eastern theory about othering. In West, it is also called as stereotyping. But Staurt Hall’s idea about stereotyping is somehow applicable in our culture too. Basically, he talks about how difference plays important role in identity formation. And how is the representation of ‘difference’ linked with questions of power? 

I know colour of my skin, height, weight, has nothing to do with what I think. What I believe.  What I understand. Similarly, I know these things are wrong reasons to like someone or judge someone in any case. But people judge us comment us prioritizing those things, demonizing the positivity. They say whatever come in their mind. But what goes through on that particular person always becomes between the lines. Especially, those experiences are depicted in my diary in this way:

“I am the other. I am nobody. I do not want to include myself in any box. In any philosophy. In any ideology. I belong here but really do not belong. Who laughs many times but really do not smile. I am not a rose. I am not a marigold. Alas, I am nobody, nobody’s dream, nobody’s ambition but I am me.

Goodbye Dear Sixteen

Sometimes 2016 says goodbye to me. I also say goodbye. But almost 15 days are left for official goodbye. While talking about 2016, I had many emotional ups and downs. Let's start with positive things. I have completed my master degree. I think this is one positive thing. But I went through many downs. Many obstacles. Many emotional exams. After many years I again started living alone. Lots of peers pressure. Lots of career tension. Last but not the least is that again I started feeling alone, companyless. In fact, second half challenged me a lot.

   Every end is challenging like every start. I think, 2016 was the end of my formal study might be because of that it was challenging. Might be it was not challenging. But I think it was more disgusting, more loner than 2015. But some beautiful memories are there. I can’t forget trekking. Especially second day’s trip.

            And one of the awesome memories is a journey of thesis writing. Everyone knows thesis writing is not an easy task. Editing own’s writing like an examiner, being a critic of oneself, proofreading and finding own mistakes is a hilarious job. And I got this hilarious memory this year, that was awesome in retrospect. Previously, I assumed that after finishing thesis I may hate Sirisko Phool. But I again in love with Sirisko Phool. That is amazing. And funny thing is that again I am in love with Parijat.

            I already mentioned that it was more challenging than 2015.  It was challenging because of career tension. While studying we never imagine we have to wait for many months for a single job. But the reality is a reality. And I faced the same reality.

            Apart from that, all the things were normal. Same type of routine. Like previous years, in 2016 too, I was a student. I started each day with books. No progress at all. Same type of linearity in lifestyle.

            However, I am more hopeful with 2017. In the upcoming year, I want to add profession in my bio. I don't want to write the only student in front of my profession.  I  am fed up with the same type of daily routine. So, in 2017, I would like to gain something more. No more a continuation of a student life. In 2017, I am hoping for change. I want to do experiment with myself. I want to go far from my comfort zone.

            But every year comes with hope ends with frustration. But 2016 was not sweet like sweet sixteen. Although, I want grand farewell of it. So goodbye sixteen for all the love, all the cheerful and depressing memories. Memories of Chitlang and Kulekhani. Memories of thesis writing especially for the headache memory of viva.  And all the memories of TU.   All these memories are part of you. At last goodbye dear sixteen with lots of love.