Celebrate the Emptiness Rather Than Cursing it.........

It’s burning hot outside. I can take a shower or I can go swimming. But I am here inside my bedroom because I want to write. But I don’t know what to write or what to tell. I know I want to tell. But I don’t know what  I want to tell. I am empty. I am empty and clean as paper before the poem.

Why don’t we talk about emptiness? Maybe you think I am sad. But I am not.  I am happy so I want to talk about emptiness. If I am not I don’t want to because I can’t write with problems and tensions. Buddhism defines it in this way, “Form is emptiness, emptiness is form.” I don’t know what it means but I find it quite interesting.

Similarly, I found one interesting quote about emptiness. Ratna Suzuki says, “I have poured my heart out...... And now I am empty.” Likewise, Dejan Stojanovic defines emptiness,” If emptiness is endless, then everything rests in emptiness.” I am also so close to his idea about emptiness because I also feel somehow we are trying to avoid emptiness in life but at the same time, we are living in emptiness. So, without avoiding it why don’t we celebrate it.

Most of the time when if we tell someone I am empty. He\she takes it as sadness or not in a positive way. But it’s good to be empty sometimes. At least, it gives some space for self-realization. The realization of reality.  And reality about life. I always found the ending paragraph of Blue Mimosa very interesting. In the paragraph, Suyogbir explains the emptiness of life in this way, “Within the glass, I see two deep dark eyes. I see a shorn head. I drink I am content. My own fingers have become yellow with nicotine. I often look at them and I am content. Bari does not exist and I recall that here, love does not exist either. I am living in an absurd world and, I always acknowledge, I am living in a great void. Most of the people define it tragic but I found it more positive than tragic. In a way, he is living realizing that bitter fact. So, he is celebrating emptiness.

Sometimes I feel every idea comes with or germinates with some kind of emptiness. We cannot realize the reality in a mess of ideas or with a large jumble of opinionated people. Sometimes we need that silent and empty space where we can realize ourselves. In fact, We realize that nothingness which gives us somehow the futility of everyday conflict. It’s a very good space to be nobody. Because in everyday life we are surrounded and exploited with our own multiple identities. With our own egos.  And with that intellectuality where we have to behave in a certain way. But emptiness is an escape from all these egos and identities where we can celebrate our insanity, insecurity and we can dance with our unsung self. So, let's celebrate the emptiness rather than cursing it.....................

पर्खाल

एउटा पर्खाल भत्किनुपर्ने  थियो
जसरी भत्किन्छन् आवेगहरु
आवाज बनेर..........
जसरी निस्कन्छ्न् भावनाहरु
आँसु बनेर...........
सायद भत्किनुपर्ने थियो
मौनताको पर्खाल
शून्यताको पर्खाल
स्थिरताको पर्खाल
तिम्रो हृदयको पर्खाल........
मेरो निशब्दताको पर्खाल..............
सायद......... भत्कनुपर्ने थियो
बिडम्बना भत्किएन ।

सम्बन्ध

तिम्रोलागी मैले केहि शब्दहरु रचेँ
र आफैंले मेटिदिएं
कोर्नु र मेट्नुको पिडा
आमालाई सोध!
आज सम्बन्धको धरातल फेरिएको छ
चाहेरै पनि म ति शब्दहरु कोर्न सक्दिन्
र रङ्गाउँन सक्दिन्
हृदयको सानो क्यानभाषमा.....
निशब्दता........  मौनता
अथवा....... शून्यता
वा अरु केहि
यस्तै.... यस्तैको कोलाजमा
कही कतै तिमी भेटिन्छौ
लाग्छ तिम्रो र
मेरो सम्बन्ध यही हो । 

Love Verses Punishment

              Is it punishment is better or love for a child? This question haunts me terribly these days. In these three months, I have many lows and highs. Sometimes I feel as if I am in the heaven because I am with children. Sometimes I feel as if I am in the hell because they are very restless.  As a teacher, I have to teach them anyway because this is my duty. I cannot say because this child is very naughty so I am unable to make him/ her understand. I cannot say this child is slow learner so he/she cannot learn. These are my challenge, not students'. But sometimes it's hard to manage the class. Because children can be cruel. However, we teachers cannot be cruel only because they are cruel.

             I always have some kind of respect to them as my students. I believe, they do have some kind dignity as a student like me as a teacher. And they deserve love and respect. But in a class, we found the different category of students as a human being. Some are very extrovert, some are very introvert and some are very restless. As a teacher, we have to meet the expectation of all those students. Also, we have to give them that space where they can be themselves.  Sometimes I feel that our education system wants to produce the same kind of category of student. We do not respect different capacities of different students. We want all the student academically same. But it’s not possible because they are different human beings and they expect different things. And they have different dreams. And the same problem I see in the parents too.  Most of the parents want to see their child doctor, engineer and so on. Only those profession which is taken as so-called best one.

            As a student, I never got any punishment in my entire academic life because I am from a very normal public school where children hardly get puni
shment. I don’t know my teachers were best for me or not. But I feel so fortunate because they gave me that warm space where I can be myself.  So, I want to give that space to my children too. Because somehow that makes us so close and connected with our educational institute. And today when I think about myself  I feel nothing without my teachers because they not only gave me knowledge but they made me better human being. They gave me unconditional love. They gave me unconditional confident.  However, that thing which I feel privileged because of them is that they gave me the freedom to be myself.

           Although the same kind of treatment is not good for all the students because they are different. Some children we found academically challenging. Some are behaviourally challenging. And some are very introvert even we never notice them.  But they all are our student and as a teacher, we have to respect all of their characteristics. So these days sometimes I  am confused whether punishment is good or love. Some children we can handle only with polite word, love, and affection. But some need some verbal punishments. I don’t know punishment  is good or not. But sometimes I also give those students verbal punishment just to manage my class. But when I  went home most of the time I felt bad because I gave them punishment. Personally, I don’t want to give them punishment. I think love, affection, care are more powerful than punishment.

         I always feel love is powerful than punishment although when I cannot manage my class with polite words so that sometimes I feel I am wrong.  But my concern is that if we treat them rudely than how they become polite. How they understand cruelty is bad? How they realize I am doing wrong?  These questions are hunting me badly I don’t know when I will get answer.

Fairness Obsession

            When I encounter with my relatives most of the time they give me suggestion to apply fairness cream on my skin. My small school kids many times ask me, “Maam are u from Africa? Why you are so black?.” As if being a black is a crime. Some smart one already gave me a suggestion to use fairness cream and some beauty tips to become fairer. I don’t know why Nepali are so obsessed with fairness although all most half of the country is brown. We can say we all Nepalese are brown in comparison with white Europeans and American world.

         However, I find Nepalese society so racist. We never think seriously why only fair is lovely, not black? Why is an advertisement of fairness cream increasing day by day? Why those advertisements always link fairness and beauty? Beauty is so subjective thing. I cannot say only white Angelina Joly is beautiful. For me, Lupita Neong'o is as beautiful as Angelina. Beauty is a subjective thing I already said. But in this brown country, we are searching for white beauty.  What an irony? Sometimes I am amused by our advertisement industry. They link fairness with confident and blackness with low self-esteem. Skin color has nothing to do with confidence. But our advertisement industry forcing the young generation towards forceful fairness although our heart is brown.

         I never think our society as racist as those societies where racism is supposed to be in existence. Still, I encounter many questions only because I am darker than others. In one interview Arundhati Roy shared her feelings like this, “ I was the worst thing a girl could be: thin, black and clever.” Here in our society too sometimes I realize why she told that. Because each day we are forced to be fairer. We can see the effect of these things in our small kids. Even they take black skin as ugly although they are unknown what really beauty means. And some of the teenagers apply a thick layer of fairness cream in early age because they want to be as white as others. Some people can argue this is all about personal choice. But I cannot take it only a personal choice. In fact, fairness is all about the western concept of beauty. So, why are we obsessed with fairness? Indeed we all are brown, we have a brown heart, brown South Asian heart.

Unimagined Journey

When I think about a teacher I always remember this quotation, “ When a teacher is in the lowest point he\she becomes a tutor and if  the teacher is in the highest point he\she becomes a mentor.” And this is the first thing which comes to my mind when I think about the teacher. I don’t know what makes a teacher good what not. But teaching profession has never been so different to me as a daughter of two teachers. However, I never think of being a teacher even in my most bizarre fantasy. I think this is all about those people who don’t want to be like their parents. I am one of them.

Recently I have started the teaching career. I think it is all about default. Or I don’t know it is all about destiny or something else. Now I am a teacher. Teacher of children to whom study is not something interesting like movie, song or any interesting game. They are cheerful at the same time very restless. The first week when I started teaching I used to feel as if I lost my own self. As a creative being, I want some time with myself and I always wanted to have my workplace very silent and cozy. But in school, I had to cope with the very noisy environment. And that was the thing which was making me very uncomfortable. At the same time, I was in a dilemma whether my choice of being a teacher is good or not. Because it is not that thing which I like to do.

I always have love hate relationship with the teaching profession. Because teaching is something which made me like this. Which shaped me. It is something which fulfilled my necessities in each step of my life. And I always feel now what I am is all because of my teachers. In a way, they shaped me as a person. But at the same time, it's  so difficult to work in that environment which is so uncomfortable.  Similarly, it’s very hard to do that thing which you don’t like to do.

Each person has their own personality.  I think my personality doesn't suit teaching. Similarly, I don’t want to be a typical teacher which demands some kind arrogance and rigidity. But it’s hard to be different in each profession.These days when I think about the life I consider it only a journey. Nothing more nothing less. 

यथार्थ

हिजो देखेका सपनाहरु
आज मात्र इतिहास बनेर
उभ्भिएका छ्न मेरा अगाडी
म नतमस्तक बनेर हेरिरहेछु
खसिरहेको आशाको पर्वतलाई.........
अरुको इतिहास कती सजिलै छिचोलिदिन्छौं
र सम्झिदिन्छौं
तर आफ्नै मौन इतिहास
बेलाबखत पिरोल्छ आफैंलाई!
सपनाको मानचित्रले
आफ्नै कक्षलाई नाघेर अरु कसैको संघारमा पुगेको बेला
म तिनै मौन इतिहासको
विष्मृतिमा  पुग्ने गर्छु....
 आज पात झरेर नाङ्गो भएको रुखझैं
बाटो विर्सिएर अर्कैको गन्तव्यमा पुगेको यात्रीझैं
यथार्थको अर्कै कोलाज मा पुगेको छु
र हरदम आफ्नै प्रतिविम्वमा
अरु कसैलाई देखिरहेछु ।

What is next????????...................Haunts me

            Like many other lower-middle-class Nepali family, my own family has many expectations with me. I am the first University graduate of my family. As a University graduate, they expect more from me. Sometimes these loathe expectations make me panic.  However, I have my own expectation with myself. As a modern Nepali woman, I want to be independent. Both financially and emotionally. But it’s hard to be independent here in Nepal if you want to follow the good path. No one gives you any opportunity if you are not there in favor of any people or political influence. While doing graduation in university, I used to feel I can get good opportunities after graduation. But these days what I am facing is not only the problem of me but a problem of lots of my friends. Some of my friends who were so good in study, so hardworking they are still jobless. However, those who never submitted their assignment in time never wrote research paper own self those are in good positions. It makes me angry not only with myself but also with the whole system of the country.

 I have completed my master's degree last September including the thesis. Now I have certificates but I don’t have an opportunity. Yesterday I was checking my email, I noticed I have sent more than hundred job applications but I have hardly ten replies. And I had given interview not only for more than seven or eight organizations. And those organization where I have given interview all are international organizations. Nowadays I apply but I never expect any reply from any national organization. Because I feel that these vacancies are not for me that might be already supposed position for anyone in their favour.

Last February, I joined Raleigh for volunteering because I wanted to contribute something for the country and wanted to explore my own possibilities. And I think that volunteering experience made me a different person. I understood more about Nepali belief about volunteering. People behaved us like we didn’t have anything only we were there for translation for Uk volunteers. The most surprising thing is that they behaved us so differently when they knew we were unpaid. After realizing the behavior of community members what we felt at the movement I can't express in words. The community members never realized that we are like their daughters, sisters and were there to contribute to the community. And we do have our own ideas about anything under the sun. Sometimes we Nepali volunteers were so demotivated because of the community itself because their behavior with UK volunteers was so different than us. Nowadays I can realize it’s hard to do anything in the country like Nepal. And day by day people are becoming so materialistic and money minded. People adore you even if you are billionaire doing smuggling but they never adore your goodness. I think ICS experience is life changing experience for me. It made me realize still there is feudalism in our country, especially in a local level. What I found is still there is domination of those who have little bit power in the community. Even in the queue of public tap also there is domination of so- called haves. And what I observed and realize is everywhere people judge you by your skin color rather than your inner virtues. Again coming into the main point, I have completed ICS in this April. It’s been a month I am free. Sometimes I feel so acquired saying still I am free. Although I am trying my best to engage. But opportunity never knocks you. We have to knock the opportunity. Nowadays people ask me what is next? I don’t know what will be the next.

Sometimes it’s hard to make people understood about what is a university for? I believe that the university is not for jobs only. People do have their own impression about the university. Sometimes my own friends who have so negative impression about Tribhuvan University from where I graduated. However, I cannot express in words what I learned and got from CDE. Although, it has some basic problem in management what I learned from the university environment and teachers is always beyond my expectation. Sometimes friends say me you are more emotional than professional. Last time when I had to give a speech on women’s day, some of my friends told I was emotional, they gave a comment that doesn't be emotional while giving a speech. But while giving a speech I was unable to hide my own reality as a young Nepali woman and what I observed some of the discrimination and I faced being a woman. I can't hide my own identity in professional works too. I don’t know it’s good or not. Nowadays I realize there is both pros and cons being a woman. Sometimes you can get more sympathy, more helps, more attention (if you are good looking) and more opportunity because you are a woman. But on the other hand, sometimes people can judge you by your skin color or body structure than your potentiality because you are a woman. Sometimes my own relatives say me you can't do these things because you are so lean and thin that and those........ And believe me, they never believe that I can do something except reading. I was always an outside since childhood because they never said me expect to eat more and saying you are black you are small how we search guy for you. So in many cases, I feel there are lots of disadvantages being a woman. Sometimes I feel lucky because I never got any unnecessary attention and extra preference only being not so good looking woman. I consider myself totally self-made person. And it’s very hard in a country like Nepal where most of the opportunities are only for those preferred people.

These days sometimes  “What is next?” haunts me. I don't able to plan anything. I just want to welcome anything that comes in my hand. Last time one of my Foreign friends asked me, “Why don,t you follow your own dreams? Don’t do those things which you don’t like to do” I told her, “ it's very hard to do these things in a country like Nepal because opportunities are so limited here. Frankly saying, I don’t have time to wait next few years to work in that area where I like to do because I already crossed twenty. And nepotism and favoritism are so prevalent here it’s hard to even find a single job without the back force of anyone. I haven’t anyone or I don’t want to follow that path so I am jobless.” My answer amused her because her society is totally different than mine. She can do those things which she likes to do. She can follow her dreams. But here It’s hard to follow the dreams. It’s hard to get an opportunity. Sometimes I think the world is so diverse and discriminatory because I was born in Nepal so my own world is so limited. I  have to be courageous even to say I only do those things what I like to do. 

Words From Himalayas

Neither I can describe it.

Nor I can paint it.

Only I wrote two words in my dairy long time ago.

Magical ................

Surreal......................

When I started to sketch it

I broke the tip of a pencil.

I only felt the rhythms, love, and respect.

Last time he asked me, “where are you from?”

I said, “I am from the valley of Himalayas.”

Again he asked me, “What is your identity?”

I said. “Please! Ask with rivers.

I am the moving reality.”

Sometimes you capture it in your own camera.

Sometimes you describe it in your own words.

Sometimes you romanticize it.

Sometimes you demonize it in your own screen.

But I am me.

And what is it?

Neither I can describe

Nor I can paint

Only two words are in my mind

Magical

Surreal.............................

Or you can paint with your own words.

It is the open canvas of beauty.

Life After ICS

There is silence everywhere. I can only hear the sound of rain. And every single drop of rain takes me right to the beginning. I can still feel that journey when I close my eyes.

I am talking about ICS journey. That journey which transformed me in many ways. It gave me a confidence. It gave me a sense of direction. It gave me a realization of achievement. It gave me a pleasure of giving. It broadened my horizon. It expanded my own school of thought. Indeed it made me a different person.

I joined ICS only to explore myself. Before ICS, I was a fresh university graduate. Although I didn’t have a clear perspective about anything under the sun. But three months ICS journey taught me many things especially how to work in a rural community. How to cope with a new culture. How to deal with the people whose background is totally different.  Now I can realize I got many things more than what I aspired for. The whole experience made me a different person. So, I take it as a life changing experience.

In the journey, I met eleven wonderful people. They taught me many things. It’s hard to summarize these lessons in words. Sometimes, it’s difficult to sum up in few words. I am feeling same today. All of them are fantastic individuals. That made our group more precious like a mosaic. When I think about them, it took me right back to start when we started our journey. Those twelve individuals who have pretty different backgrounds were there in a new place to challenge themselves to change their world. They inspired me a lot. They made me realize how to be proud of being oneself. Their stories also inspired me a lot because stories are always my inspiration. And throughout the cycle, I encountered with those kinds of stories which I have never heard before.

Now there is raining outside. I am reading all your notes. Here, there are no beautiful green and brown mountains like in a Khadka Gaun. Even, I cannot see the beautiful mountain range which we used to see every morning. Many days have passed but I am left with the same memories we had together. It makes me more nostalgic. Also, I realize the nature of time. Times goes so fast. However, these memories made me more strong. More clear about my future. More determined towards my dream. And I am remembering the same song we used to listen, “Follow follow the sun....................

स्मृतिमा तिमी

पर कतै क्षितिजबाट
आइरहेको छाँया
सायद तिमी नै पो हौ कि!
म हेरिरहेछु
मौनताको आदिम वस्तिबाट

हामी छुट्टिएका थियौं
कुनै दिन
घाम लागेर पनि बादल छाएको तिम्रो आँखामा
पहिलोपटक मैले
पिडाले घायल
सुन्दर मन भेटेको थिएँ ................

आज बसौं भएछ
म चाहेर पनि कोर्न सक्दिन्
शब्दहरुले तिम्रो आकृती
स्मृतिको संग्रालयमा
तिम्रो लागी जोगाएको
एउटा मुटु मात्र बाँकी छ

जब एक्ली हुन्छु
क्षितिजमा  देखिएका छाँयाहरु
तिमी नै पो हौ कि भन्ने लाग्छ
र हेरिरहन्छु.............
मात्र हेरिरहन्छु ...............


आज एउटा दुष्प्रयास गर्दैछु
कोर्दैछु तिम्रो आकृति
रेखाहरु बाङ्गो जानसक्छन्
आकृतिहरु  अपूर्ण बन्नसक्छन्
र चाहेरै पनि तिमी नबन्न सक्छौ

धेरै भएछ
तिमीलाई नदेखेको
स्मृतिहरु कमजोर हुँदैछ्न्
चाहेर पनि तिमी नबनाउँन सक्छु
माफ गर
आज बुढो स्मृतिले अपूर्ण चित्र कोर्दैछ ।