Beauty Versus Me

 Every individual has a different concept of beauty. It is an implicit term. Although our society has a certain taboo about the beauty that gives more emphasis on the overall appearance or outlook of the person. And it seems more rigid in case of women. I am one of the victims of it. I endure lots of mistreatments and cruelties because of it. But up to teenage, I never understood that external beauty has so much worth. From childhood, I kept on believing that beauty is not only the skin deep. It is something which has great significance with morality, ethics and overall character of the person. Similarly, my mom always taught me how to be proud of my black complexion, my femaleness and therefore my inherent ability to rise after every fall. However, the outer reality is far more different than my belief. So, it leads me towards a great agony. This is the untold story of my life that made me a different person.

My mom never gave me any suggestion, tips or lesson about the techniques of having cosmetic beauty. She never made me realize I was not good looking enough. From childhood, she always wanted to make me bold, courageous, intellectual and better human being.  So, I never knew the so-called stereotypical concept about beauty. That’s why I never realized that I am not so-called beautiful. In fact, I am quite below than average looking. But after my SLC, I was able to realize those things with the attitude of people around me. I knew it from the people’s mistreatment with me. Sometimes they made me a part of the fun. Sometimes they teased me indicating my physical structure. Actually, those people made me realize that I am not beautiful like many other people. When I came to know that people saw me from a different point of view than other average looking, girls. At that time I was in terrible condition. Many times I have had questioned myself, is this my fault? In fact, there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside us. So, I am going to explore my own conflict or experience of life which leads me towards anguish and agony and finally made me a different person.

In my childhood, I never heard that I was not beautiful. Actually, my parents never believed in outer beauty. It might be possible because both of them are teachers. I grew up completely in an academic atmosphere. They always taught me the value of education. So, I never realized the worth of outer beauty. Also, my parents never gave me any advice to make me aware of my beauty, especially physical structure. Actually, they provided me all the opportunities, love, and respect. Especially my dad has lots of over expectations from me. I don’t know whether I will able to meet them or not. But he always dreamed me something more than ordinary Nepalese women. He wanted to see me in the position like Indira Gandhi, Sailaja Acharya and so on. For him, I was the only source of happiness. Because of those things I never understood that external beauty worth so much.

After SLC, I came to Kathmandu for further study. Before that, I had never realized that Kathmandu was crueler than in my hometown. I started doing plus two in Rehdon college, Samakhushi. At that time I was living with my thulobuwa and thulomummy. But the people w who came in the home sometimes talked about my physical structure. They used to tell my thulomummy  that, “why she is so thin and dark?.”  Those incidents made me realize that  I don't look like other pretty girls, I am quite different and quirky. These days,  I used to think, “why people raised the question where there is no fault of mine. They could have the right to ask about my education, my performance. But why asking on those things where I have no control.”  So, in those days I was in the great mental dilemma and conflict.

Similarly, I completed my plus two with good marks. My father became so happy. I saw the happiness in his eyes. After that, I joined St. Lawrence College for further study. But day by day I pondered into depression because of people’s comment on my outlook.  Sometimes in a microbus or on the bus, people used to tease me, laugh at me indicating my physical structure. Those attitudes led me to depression. Those days were, in fact, the worst days of my life. I want to share one incident when I was on the way to college. At that time one of the strangers asked me, “Why are you so thin? Do you have any physical problem?” Those questions hurt me so much. I heard many times those types of questions. So, “If there is no struggle, there is no progress”, this quotation is always near to my heart because this is the greatest lesson I got from my life. 

 Likewise, when I was in B.A third year one of the teachers also behaved with me so cruelly. I don’t want to tell his name because I only call the name of those whom I respect. He was never included in my dictionary. He was a photography teacher. He used to behave like a fortune teller. One day he told us that he can tell the future of people by seeing their faces. All of my friends stood in front of him one by one. He told them that they were going to be teachers, professors, journalists and so on. I didn't want to go in front of him because I was already familiar with his nature. I refused in the beginning but later I went in front of him because all of my friends forced me. When he saw my face suddenly he changed his gesture and told me that I was going to be a shopkeeper.  Although, it is a nice profession I don't know why the word shopkeeper hurt me a lot. Whole day I felt so guilty and unhappy. But finally, I was able to assume that he had predicted observing physical beauty of students. Many times he had made me an outsider in classroom activities as well. Even while taking group photo he did not include me. Slowly and gradually I was aware of his inner reality. That event became the turning point of my life. Then after I came to know that our society was so rigid towards so- called ugly people. And  I realized that I should have to make my own destiny and future to challenge this world.

There is one saying “Experience is a keen teacher”. So the cruel or stereotypical concept about beauty has given me lots of bitter experiences. And it teaches me that life is not the bed of roses. Only for the sake of life also, we have to endure many bitter experiences.

 I suffered from many misbehaves and ill-treatment because I was unable to meet the so-called social taboo of beauty. As a result, sometimes I was excluded from the group photo shoot. I never have had friends in my childhood. In those days my desire for friends was at a peak. Because of my physical structure these days also I have to listen to the nonsense reactions in bus, school or university.  I have to listen to derogative comments in public places. Now I am much more matured than I was in my teenage. Actually, my teenage was spoiled by the cruel concept of beauty and physicality. At that time I suffered from low self-esteem. In order to overcome that I had to do lots of struggle. But now I can realize that success is another name of struggle. So, there is one saying, “Sucess is to be measured not much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which one has overcome.”

In our society beauty is also defined by one wholesale concept. My lean and thin body, black complexion always become the cause of my suffering. In another word, my own physicality is always against me. Similarly, Alice Walker, Pulitzer Prize-winning writer also faced a similar type of suffering in her life. When Walker was eight years old. She suffered from a serious injury. She was shot in the right eye with BB pellet while playing with two of her brothers. Because of whitish scar tissue formed in her injured eye, and she became self-conscious of the visible mark. After the incident, Walker largely withdrew from the world around her, “For a long time I thought I was very ugly and disfigured.” She told John O’ Brien in an interview that was published in Alice Walker Critical Perspective, Past, and Present. “ This made me shy and timid and I often reached to insults and slights that were not intended.” But she challenged the societal belief that beauty is not only the skin deep it is more than that. Her story is always inspiring for me because it gives me courage and energy to fight with such difficulties.

Actually, now I am happy with whatever I am. I know beauty is beyond the skin deep. Sometimes when people tease me, laugh at me and makes me as a part of the fun is a disgusting way indicating my physical beauty  I laugh at them seeing their ignorance and poor knowledge about beauty. Actually, for me those people are poor people who are still engaging on skin deep. In fact, it seems so ridiculous in a sense that any person’s physical structure or overall appearance has nothing to do with his or her overall character, morality and behavior. But human beings are so judgemental that they keep on doing those things which really affect the lives of other people. But those types of insults gives me new insights about life and sucess.

When I read about Helen Keller, Parijat, Virginia Woolf, Vincent Van Gaugh, Jhamak Ghimire. I feel relieved because they defined beauty by their work not by the appearance they have. They are my role models who give me the new concept of beauty. For them, beauty is not skin deep. Actually, they became successful because of their hard work and creativity. So, nowadays I donot take people’s reaction on me so seriously. I have faith that one day I will prove myself through my work, not with the physical structure or skin color that I have. I think beauty and ugliness are the product of our perception. And one day I will provide a new concept about beauty through my works.

            Many writers have raised questions about beauty and provided different concepts about beauty through their literary pieces. Toni Morrison questioned the concept of beauty in her first novel The Bluest Eye. The Bluest Eye is the story of a little, black girl, named Pecola, whose most visible bodily marker that sets her apart is her black skin. It is considered a sign of ugliness. In most of society to be ugly especially for women supposed to be an extreme crime and a great sin. Arundhati Roy, one of the controversial as well as popular writers of India also tells about the similar thing in this way. “I was the worst thing a girl could be: thin, black and clever.” It seems like my own story because I am also thin, black and clever. Those writers I mentioned above are the role model of my life. Their works always give me inspiration when I am depressed and frustrated.

                People have their own analysis of beauty. But for me, it is something that gives the positive vibes to the people around us. But I am one of them who suffered most from the social taboos about beauty. Sometimes my own relatives told me that I wouldn’t get a good life partner in my life because of my outlook. Those nonsense remarks on me sometimes lead me towards frustration. Actually, those remarks make me a different person. Now I want to focus on my own dream. I want to fulfill my own ambition. I don’t want to spend my time on useless activities. Those changes are a product of those bitter remarks and derogatory comments. Actually, that made me a different person. Nowadays I understand many things between the lines. I don’t believe in the person’s overall appearance rather I try to understand her actual personality. I don’t mock on people’s obstacles and difficulties. And I think it is the greatest gift time has taught me.